Marjorie Taylor Greene’s comprehensive list of things that aren’t happening but also stopped happening
Marjorie Taylor Greene says that one good thing to come from the ongoing government shutdown is “clear skies” because the govt is seeding clouds and trying to control the weather. For their part, the government has said they can barely control highway construction zones, much less the weather. But that’s just the beginning. Marj revealed 10 more of what she called “positive effects” of the shutdown.
1. National Parks No Longer Hide Bigfoot From the American People
Without park rangers actively suppressing the truth, MTG expects Bigfoot sightings to skyrocket. “For too long, the Park Service has been complicit in hiding our nation’s most elusive taxpayer,” she declared. “Bigfoot deserves representation, and now that the government coverup has ended, I expect him to register to vote in my district.”
2. NASA’s Moon Laser Finally Powers Down
“The so-called ‘moon’ has been suspiciously bright lately,” MTG observed, suggesting NASA has been using it to spy on law-abiding Americans’ backyards. With the shutdown, she believes the lunar surveillance program has gone dark, allowing patriots to finally grill in peace without extraterrestrial oversight.
3. The Postal Service Can’t Deliver Mind-Control Junk Mail
MTG praised the disruption to mail service, claiming it prevents the distribution of “subliminal messaging disguised as grocery store coupons.” She’s particularly relieved that Americans won’t receive their usual dose of “20% off” propaganda, which she insists is code for “surrender 20% of your freedom to the New World Order.”
4. The Census Bureau Stops Counting People Who Don’t Exist
MTG claims the shutdown has mercifully halted the Census Bureau’s practice of “inventing Americans out of thin air to justify more government spending.” She’s particularly pleased they can no longer count what she calls “statistical Americans” – people who only exist in spreadsheets and Democratic voting rolls.
5. Libraries Finally Stop Their Secret Literacy Indoctrination Programs
With federal funding frozen, public libraries can no longer force children to read books that contain dangerous ideas like “science” and “history.” MTG celebrates the temporary halt to what she calls “the deep state’s most insidious weapon: encouraging people to think for themselves.” She’s already drafting the “Books Are Sus Act of 2025” to permanently defund any institution caught red-handed promoting reading comprehension.
6. Highway Rest Stops No Longer Serve as Interdimensional Portals
Without federal maintenance crews, MTG assures constituents that the secret portal network connecting America’s rest stops to alternate dimensions has been deactivated. “No more taxpayer-funded wormholes,” she proclaimed, adding that truckers can now relieve themselves without risking accidental teleportation to socialist universes.
7. The Department of Agriculture’s Vegetable Surveillance Program Goes Dark
MTG celebrates the temporary end to what she calls “produce profiling,” where government agents allegedly monitor Americans through microchips hidden in organic kale. “The broccoli industrial complex has lost its eyes and ears,” she announced triumphantly, encouraging Americans to “eat their vegetables in freedom while they still can.”
8. National Weather Service Stops Predicting Weather They’re Obviously Creating
Beyond cloud seeding, MTG suggests the shutdown has exposed the “weather prediction scam” where meteorologists forecast storms they’ve already scheduled. “How else do they know it will rain on Thursday?” she asks. “Either they’re psychic, or they’re in on it. I’m drafting legislation to make weather surprises mandatory.”
9. The Smithsonian Can No Longer Replace Historical Artifacts with Replicas
MTG claims the shutdown prevents museum staff from continuing their alleged practice of swapping real artifacts with “woke forgeries.” She’s particularly concerned about the Constitution, which she believes has been gradually edited with invisible ink to include things like “healthcare” and “the environment.”
10. IRS Agents Must Stop Their Secret Second Job as Dance Instructors
Finally, MTG celebrates that IRS employees can no longer moonlight in their alleged government program teaching the Macarena to unsuspecting taxpayers. “The ‘Audit Two-Step’ ends now,” she declared, referring to what she claims is a hypnotic dance designed to make Americans voluntarily pay more taxes while doing the Electric Slide.
MTG concluded her statement by announcing she’s working on the “Everything Is Probably Fine Act,” which would permanently ban the government from doing all the things it’s definitely not doing anyway. When asked for evidence of any of these programs, she responded, “The lack of evidence IS the evidence. That’s how good they are at covering it up.”
