New Airline “Promises Kept Airways” Launches to Help Celebrities Finally Leave America
Every election, a new crop of celebrities claim they will leave the country if the outcome they want doesn’t transpire. A new airline has launched specifically to help celebrities and public figures fulfill their long-standing promises to leave America. “Promises Kept Airways” (PKA) announced its inaugural flights today, featuring aircraft specially designed for passengers who have been threatening to move to Canada since approximately 2016.
“Our mission is simple,” explained CEO Richard “Dick” Followthrough, while standing in front of a jet painted with the airline’s slogan: “Put Your Private Jet Where Your Mouth Is.” “We’re here to help the chronically outraged finally make good on their years of threats to leave the country. Each seat comes equipped with a complimentary tissue box for dramatic farewell videos and a selfie stick pre-positioned at the perfect angle for capturing your last outraged moment on American soil.”
The airline’s flagship aircraft, dubbed “The Last Stand,” features several unique amenities designed specifically for its target demographic:
– The “Echo Chamber” Class, where passengers can continue to share their political views with others who have already heard them 1,000 times
– A “Reality Check” Lounge complete with currency exchange rates and foreign tax regulations printed on cocktail napkins
– The “Legacy Preservation Pod” where passengers can record their final American grievances for future generations
– Complementary copies of “So You Actually Did It: A Celebrity’s Guide to Actually Living in Canada”
In a striking innovation, all seats face backward, “symbolizing our passengers’ resistance to forward movement,” according to head designer Maven McMockery.
PKA has also introduced a revolutionary booking system where passengers can pay their fare in Instagram followers or previous social media announcements about leaving the country. “We’re currently offering a special discount for anyone who has threatened to leave America more than 12 times on Twitter,” noted Chief Marketing Officer Karen McComplainer. “Double points if you did it while attending a $50,000-per-plate fundraiser in the Hamptons.”
The airline’s first scheduled flight, dubbed “Operation Put Up or Shut Up,” is already overbooked with a waitlist longer than a celebrity’s list of demands. However, aviation experts note a curious trend: despite robust bookings, the actual boarding process has been surprisingly light, with most passengers seemingly stuck in an endless loop of “final” goodbye speeches at the gate.
When asked about the airline’s contingency plans for passengers who might want to return, Followthrough smiled knowingly: “Our return tickets are printed on the back of those signed contracts about staying quiet about politics. We find they rarely get used.”
The airline’s in-flight magazine, “Farewell & Good Riddance Monthly,” features articles such as “10 Ways to Tell Your Personal Assistant You’re Moving to Vancouver” and “How to Maintain Your Relevant Status While Living in a Country Nobody’s Paying Attention To.”
PKA’s motto, “We’ll Believe It When We See It Airlines,” is prominently displayed throughout their terminal at Los Angeles International Airport, which somehow manages to be both exclusive and empty simultaneously.
The airline is already planning expansion routes to other popular celebrity exodus destinations, including New Zealand, France, and “Anywhere But Here.” Although curiously, their booking system shows a suspicious number of reservations scheduled for “right after I finish this one last project.”
