New laws in Colorado Springs to take effect next month
Next month, Colorado Springs is set to introduce a slate of new laws. While some municipalities focus on infrastructure or tax reform, Colorado Springs has turned its attention to flip-flop bans, drone parades, and mandatory gnome quotas. Here’s a sneak peek at the legislation that’s about to redefine life in the shadow of Pikes Peak.
Mandatory Mountain Goat Etiquette Classes
Every resident must pass a state-certified class on proper etiquette for interacting with mountain goats. The course includes lessons on not offering trail mix to goats and how to gracefully lose a staring contest with one.
The Great Flip-Flop Ban
Flip-flops are now illegal within city limits unless worn with socks. Officials claim the ban is to curb the growing menace of “trail toe,” but residents suspect it’s an attack on personal freedom.
Bike Lanes for Unicyclists Only
All bike lanes will be converted into unicyclist expressways. Cyclists must now ride on the regular road while unicyclists get priority access and applause stations every mile.
Pet License Upgrade Program
Dog and cat owners must renew their pet licenses with an “adjective” upgrade. Licenses now categorize pets as “Charming Chihuahua,” “Sassy Siamese,” or “Questionable Golden Retriever.”
Compulsory Garden Gnome Quotas
Homeowners are now required to display a minimum of three garden gnomes in their front yard, with one gnome mandatorily dressed in a Broncos jersey. Violators will be fined or required to watch six hours of HOA training videos.
Altitude Training for Tourists
Visitors staying for more than three days must complete a basic altitude adjustment training. It involves breathing exercises and climbing stairs while eating a cinnamon roll the size of their head from a local bakery.
Annual Drone Parade
Every first Sunday of the month, all drones in the city must participate in a “drone parade,” complete with tiny costumes and synchronized aerial routines. Non-participating drones will be grounded for “unpatriotic laziness.”
Ban on Quiet Hiking
Hikers are now required to carry Bluetooth speakers playing classic John Denver songs to “enhance the Colorado experience.” Failure to comply results in mandatory karaoke at the trailhead parking lot.
Mandatory Pikes Peak Tattoos
Residents who have lived in the city for more than five years must get a tattoo of Pikes Peak, or at least a minimalist version of it. Temporary tattoos are available for the commitment-phobic.
Feral Hot Tubs Registration
Hot tubs that mysteriously appear on hiking trails or in suburban backyards must now be tagged and released back into the wilderness. A citywide hotline will be established for reporting rogue tubs lounging near trailheads.
