NFL, WWE and Hollywood Help Raise Funds to Meet Nation’s Budget Shortfall
After Elon Musk blew up the bipartisan budget bill, the worlds of sports and entertainment rallied to help fellow Americans.
The NFL Blitz Budget Challenge
The NFL announces a charity event where politicians are placed on the 50-yard line, and fans get to try to sack them while dressed as their favorite team’s mascot. The proceeds will go toward funding… whatever Elon blew up this time.
The Oscars Present: Best Supporting Amendment
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences creates a new award category for Best Supporting Amendment, where nominees are explained by actors reading them in dramatic voices. Elon interrupts via hologram to declare, “This is all just a trailer for my next budget proposal.”
Broadway Budget Fundraiser
The cast of Hamilton rewrites the show to include a rap battle between Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen and Elon Musk over who can better explain fiscal responsibility in under 16 bars. Tickets start at $10,000… to fund pothole repairs in NYC.
WWE Smackdown: Budget Breakdown
A special wrestling match between “Bipartisan Bill” and “Elon the Exploder” is announced. Elon enters the ring riding a Tesla Cybertruck, and instead of folding chairs, the wrestlers throw copies of the CBO report at each other.
The Great American Bake Sale for Infrastructure
Every professional sports team in the U.S. organizes a bake sale to raise funds for the projects in the budget bill. Teams compete to bake the most elaborate edible stadiums. Elon offers to donate $1 billion if someone can make a functioning cookie rocket.
Rangers Zamboni Rides
The New York Rangers auction off Zamboni rides, but with a twist—fans can choose to “plow” over a life-sized replica of the budget bill, scattering Monopoly money across the ice. Elon, naturally, takes the first ride.
The Masked Allocator
A new reality TV show debuts, where masked celebrities and tech billionaires secretly allocate parts of the budget. Elon Musk appears as “Space Panda” and suggests replacing NASA’s budget with Dogecoin.
Disney Presents: Budget Bill on Ice
Disney transforms the bipartisan budget debate into a spectacular ice-skating show, complete with fireworks, animatronic elephants and donkeys, and a dramatic moment where Elon’s skating double launches himself through the deficit chart.
MLB Batting for Balance
Major League Baseball holds a home run derby where politicians swing at oversized budget items labeled “Defense,” “Education,” and “Healthcare.” Fans cheer as Elon Musk hits “Pork Barrel Spending” into the parking lot and flies off in a SpaceX rocket.
Musk the Musical
Broadway premieres Musk: The Budgetary Bombshell, where Elon sings a power ballad titled, “To Infinity and Deficit.” Critics call it a “compelling but confusing blend of economics and jazz hands.”
