No One Knows

The CIA bought some new laptop computers recently. They decided to sell the old ones to the general public. Unfortunately, they forgot to erase the hard drives. Lots of classified information ended up in the hands of regular Joes. I am happy to report that I was one of the Joes. After reading hundreds of secret CIA documents, I can answer these burning questions:

If Bill Clinton insists on going outside his marriage, and since he is the President of the United States, why doesn’t he date supermodels?

Of course, Clinton loves McDonalds but he can’t get any supermodels to join him in a Value Meal. Once he did convince Elle McPherson to go into a Washington McDonalds. When she brought her own salad dressing out of her purse, Clinton left her sitting on a Hamburglar table in the Playland. Clinton likes girls that aren’t afraid to eat.

What’s the deal with Janet Reno?

No one knows.

How come the government uses animals as spokespeople?

The first animal spokesperson was Smokey Bear. Smokey Bear was such a hit it wasn’t long before we had Woodsy Owl and McGruff the Crime Dog. Things were fine until McGruff held out for a $105 million, 7 year contract with a bonus based on how low crime statistics are at the end of each year. Soon Smokey had a contract with Nike who added their swoosh to the front of his hat.

How did a professional wrestler become the governor of a state?

Politics is show business. We’ve had actors become presidents. It is part of our history. CIA documents show that well-known comedian Dan Quayle plans a run for President in 2000.

Why didn’t the government see the year 2000 problem coming?

Actually, they did. The Congress asked the CIA to coordinate handling “the year 2000 problem”. However, the CIA director thought that meant trying to keep Dan Quayle from running for President in 2000.

What’s the deal with Marilyn Manson?

No one knows.

Why is Hillary Clinton considering running for the Senate in New York when she never lived there?

Hillary is steal steaming about Monica Lewinsky and has plans to get back at Bill by having an affair in her office with Jerry Springer.

Why does the government use orange cones on roadways?

Last winter in Washington they tested substitutes for the orange cone. They tried the idea of using 2 foot high candy canes to designate freeway construction areas. However, Santa confused the beltway in Washington as a landing strip and crashed into a semi truck full of “Hillary Now!” bumper stickers.

Why doesn’t the government have stricter driving test for older drivers?

Frankly, I’m not worried about older drivers. I’m worried about the 16 year old driving 200 miles an hour. In the parking lot. I’ve never feared for my life because a 75 year old lady cut me off in a rusted out Camaro while she cranked the new Megadeath CD.