Ohio Announces Plan to Capture 47 Percent of Michigan Tourism Revenue

Ohio officials announced today a plan to “take” 47 percent of Michigan tourism revenue by the year 2030. The move is partly to boost Ohio tourism activity, but also to fuel a long-standing rivalry between the two Great Lakes states.

“Many Michigan tourists travel though Ohio to access that state. Our plan is to get them to see the error of their ways and spend their travel dollars in a state that respects them — Ohio,” said Ohio Director of Travel and Tourism Sally Onthebeach. “Michigan has some nice things to see, but you can get that done in what, 4 hours? Better to spend your time in Ohio where we speak English, not some Michi-Canadian blend that isn’t any good except for ordering beer at the Kwik-E-Mart.”

Onthebeach spoke with reporters on the steps of the Ohio Statehouse. “Michigan is fine if you don’t mind bone chilling cold and bugs that can fly away with your newborn. Here in Ohio we have more than one major city, not to mention modern appliances and conveniences like air conditioning. Ceiling fans are nice, but not when the temp is above 100 in July and you are sitting in an apartment Ann Arbor that looks like a WWI bunker.”

The new state initiative includes special price discounts along major roads leading to Michigan, billboard awareness campaigns and cheerleaders at gas stations. “We’ve been working closely with high school and college cheer squads along north-bound routes,” said Onthebeach. “They will be positioned where people filling their tanks can hear cheers like, “Yo ho! Yo Ho! Down with Michigan! Up with Ohio!” or “Give me a S! Give me a T! Give me an I! Give me an N! Give me a K! Give me a Y! What’s that spell? Michigan! That’s right! Michigan! Stinky Michigan!”

“The whole idea is to suggest you don’t want to go all the way to Michigan to get half the fun for twice the money,” explained OntheBeach. “Ohio has more amusement parks, big cities, attractive people, world class restaurants, pro sports teams, and better weather for less money than that other place,” she said, holding her nose with one hand and pointing up with the other.