Outback introduces giant Bloomin’ Onions and college basketball fans go insane

– Outback’s basketball-sized Bloomin’ Onion is right on time for March Madness
– Special knives help cut it down to size
– Firemen rescue hungry customers

Some things just go together. Over the years, Outback’s Bloomin’ Onion has become a “must-do” for March Madness fans around the world. The sliced and deep-fried onion hits the spot for college basketball fans cheering on their favorite team.

This year Outback is taking it to another level. Working with farmers tending a special field near a nuclear reactor near Melbourne, Australia, the venerable restaurant chain is offering a basketball-sized onion that can feed the whole March Madness field at once.

“We knew we had to push ourselves to surprise and delight our customers this year,” said a company spokesperson. “Everybody loves the Bloomin’ Onion and with our new Basketball-Size version, folks will be able to bring every kid in the neighborhood and still have enough left over to last through the end of the NHL regular season.”

The giant onions are grown using the influence of the nearby nuclear reactor, combined with special cow-dung fertilizer from local Koanzster cows. The Australian-native Koanzster cow eats nothing but hyper-growth grasses on the coast that makes their dung especially valuable for area farmers. Outback farmer-partners spread new bags of Koanzster dung on the fields every morning to ensure the onions achieve their basketball-size giganticness.

“We also issue heavy cleaver knives to each table to help chop these brutes into smaller pieces. In addition, we hire local firemen and women to haul fire buckets of our spicy signature sauce and pour it on the onions for the convenience of each guest. They love it and cheer while the firemen and women dance and sing songs from the movie Die Hard featuring Bruce Willis.”