Pope Francis Introduces Chocolate Kisses, Butterscotch Cookies and Candy Corn as Communion Wafer Alternatives

In an effort to boost church attendance and increase engagement among millennials, Pope Francis decreed individual churches are now allowed to use chocolate kisses, butterscotch cookies and candy corn as communion wafer alternatives.

For many years, the Catholic church has used a basic, bland, slightly wheat-flavored thin wafer to give communion to church-goers. The wafer represents “the body of Christ” in the Catholic mass.

Alessandro Bodyandbloodoni of the Vatican Holy See Press Office explained: “We have used the traditional wafer for many years. However, church involvement among the young is declining. This change will make the Catholic mass more appealing to a generation used to sweeter foods. In addition, the sweeter taste will hopefully clear their mind of any memory of the cardboard taste of the current wafer.”

Not all laypeople were on board with the change. “What’s this Francis doing?” said a flabbergasted Mary Oneyearinpurgatory. “This is not the Catholic way. Butterscotch cookies? Things started going south well before this, though. As soon as they took out those rock hard kneelers and put in the cushy ones that didn’t make your knees bleed, I knew the young were too soft. You have to be ready to suffer to be a real Catholic.”