President Trump Launches “Operation Narnia Freedom”: Annexation Part of 100-Day Blitz
President Trump has announced the official annexation of Narnia. “We’re bringing Narnia into the fold of American greatness,” Trump declared from a podium at the White House Rose Garden, which was recently adorned with artificial snow and a decorative lamppost. “It’s about time. This is part of my Make Reality Great Again initiative.”
Only a few days into his second term, Trump has already issued more than 200 executive orders, including proclamations for “mandatory lion respect days” and tax exemptions on Turkish Delight imports. “I told Aslan—I call him Big Cat—‘You’re gonna love this deal.’ And he did. He was practically purring.”
A New World Order: The “Magic-Trade Partnership”
President Trump’s new agenda includes a sweeping Magic-Trade Partnership (MTP), aimed at integrating Narnia’s resources and workforce with America’s economic interests. “We’ve got untapped opportunities here, folks. Narnia’s got incredible forests—big, beautiful forests. I see golf courses, ski resorts, maybe a few high-rise casinos by the Frozen Lake,” Trump said, outlining his vision with hand gestures so expansive, they could have been choreographed by a Vegas magician.
White House staff noted that negotiations with Narnia’s leadership were surprisingly swift, with both Aslan and a delegation of fauns arriving in Washington via portal. Vice President Vance praised the agreement for keeping out “dark magical influences like witches, elves, and probably Antifa.” Vance is reportedly pushing for a ban on all interdimensional broomstick travel, citing security risks.
“The Witch Is a Loser”: Trump Declares Victory Over Evil
Trump wasted no time taking aim at the former ruler of Narnia, Jadis the White Witch, whom he called “an overrated ice queen.” “She’s nasty. Real nasty. She tried to freeze the place in time—kind of like the mainstream media freezing my approval ratings,” Trump quipped, to laughter and chants of “MAGA! MAGA!”
According to reports from Narnian sources, the White Witch has retreated to a secret location, possibly Iceland or Antarctica. “She’s hiding. Total coward. We’re not afraid of her or her snowflake army,” Trump said. He promised swift consequences if any remnants of the Witch’s forces attempted to reclaim power. “We’re sending in the best fighters—some of the top Minotaurs and Republican strategists—it’s going to be tremendous.”
“We Will Control the Magic!”: Critics Raise Concerns
Opposition leaders and fantasy experts have raised alarms about the annexation, pointing to Trump’s poor grasp of Narnia’s magical laws. “He keeps talking about renegotiating the Deep Magic from the Dawn of Time, but you can’t negotiate with it. It’s not a trade deal; it’s cosmic law,” said Dr. Eustace Scrubb, a scholar of interdimensional relations.
Democrats have called for congressional hearings to investigate potential conflicts of interest. Rumors have surfaced that Eric Trump is already bidding on contracts to extract Narnia’s enchanted gold reserves. Meanwhile, CNN aired a segment highlighting concerns over climate damage caused by unregulated sleigh traffic near Cair Paravel.
But White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt dismissed the concerns as “left-wing fairy tales.” “The president is building bridges—figuratively, of course—with the magical world. We’re making both Narnia and America safer, stronger, and less woke.”
Biden Releases Statement: “I’ll Miss Those Beavers”
Former President Joe Biden, who now runs a public-access show about woodworking, released a heartfelt statement about Narnia’s annexation. “Those beavers, man. Hardworking little guys. They taught me how to build a dam one summer. Good folks. I hope they don’t get tangled up in the new zoning laws.”
Biden’s nostalgic comments led Fox News to accuse him of being a “beaver sympathizer,” with one commentator suggesting that his friendship with the Narnian wildlife bordered on “collusion with foreign fauna.”
Narnian Polls Show Mixed Reactions
Early polling data among Narnian citizens shows that reactions to the annexation are split. Talking lions and unicorns have expressed cautious optimism, while dwarves have accused Trump of using “enchanted propaganda.” In a rare public address, Aslan reassured his subjects. “Fear not, for all things shall be well in the fullness of time. Also, we’re getting new roads and better healthcare, so that’s nice.”
However, some Narnians remain skeptical. “He keeps calling us ‘fairy tale folks’ and saying he’s going to make our meadows more profitable,” said Puddleglum, a marsh-wiggle known for his dour outlook. “I’m sure he’ll find a way to turn even our dreams into nightmares. Probably build a golf course through the swamp.”
The Next 38 Days: What’s Coming
President Trump’s administration has outlined plans for further magical-world expansion. Advisors are reportedly in talks with representatives from Oz and Neverland. “We’re going to unite all the best worlds under one tremendous flag,” Trump announced with characteristic flair. “Imagine the parades, folks. Talking lions, flying monkeys, lost boys, and, believe me, they’ll all be cheering for me.”
In closing, Trump reminded Americans and Narnians alike to tune in for a special announcement next week. “I’ve got some very, very big news about an alliance with Hogwarts. Let’s just say J.K. Rowling loves me. I told her, ‘The Sorting Hat is rigged. We need to bring back merit-based sorting.’ Huge plans coming soon.”
As the crowd erupted into applause, President Trump smiled beneath the falling fake snow. “We’re going to make Narnia legendary again—believe me.”
