Roasting 10 local fashion choices in Colorado Springs
1. The “Adventure Bro” Look
Uniform: Patagonia puffer vest, cargo shorts (yes, even in winter), and Chacos with socks.
Roast: We get it, bro. You might hike Barr Trail today, or you might just hang out at a coffee shop talking about how you once hiked it “before sunrise.” Either way, your cargo shorts are doing too much work, and your toes are doing none.
2. The “Trump Supporter Farmer” Special
Uniform: Mud-stained jeans, camo jacket, and a “Make America Great Again” hat that looks like it’s been run over by a tractor.
Roast: That camo jacket isn’t fooling anyone—you still stand out while sipping a Pumpkin Spice Latte at the Bass Pro Shops café. And if the hat is that faded, maybe it’s time to spring for a new one at the local farm supply store.
3. The “College Sorority Girl in the Wild” Ensemble
Uniform: Oversized hoodie from University of Colorado, leggings so tight they’re practically a second skin, and UGG boots that have seen too many fraternity parties.
Roast: We get it, the oversized hoodie says “chill,” but those UGGs say, “I can’t let go of 2012.” And are you actually going to yoga, or just heading to brunch with your sorority sisters to order bottomless mimosas?
4. The “Garden of the Gods Wannabe Influencer” Getup
Uniform: Flowy dress, cowboy hat, and cowboy boots—despite having never ridden a horse.
Roast: Your outfit screams “I’m here to commune with nature,” but your stance screams “I’m only here for the perfect Instagram post captioned, ‘Find your balance.’” Bonus points if you’re holding a latte in one hand and a fake flower in the other.
5. The “Cripple Creek Casino Regular” Wardrobe
Uniform: Bedazzled jeans, rhinestone cowboy hat, and a Harley-Davidson T-shirt stretched to its absolute limit.
Roast: You’re not fooling anyone with those rhinestones—you’re here to blow through $20 on slot machines and an all-you-can-eat buffet, not win a country music award.
6. The “Army Surplus Enthusiast” Aesthetic
Uniform: Camouflage pants, combat boots, and a T-shirt that says, “Don’t Tread on Me.”
Roast: We know you’re trying to blend into the rugged terrain of Fort Carson, but your tactical fanny pack gives off less “soldier” and more “I’m just here for the gun show discount.”
7. The “Craft Beer Hipster” Uniform
Uniform: Flannel shirt (mandatory, regardless of temperature), skinny jeans, beanie, and a vintage “Olympic City USA” pin.
Roast: Congrats, you’ve out-hipstered the entire brewery scene. But if your beanie is still on in July, maybe you’re sweating for reasons that aren’t related to the 12.5% ABV stout you’re nursing.
8. The “Aspen On a Budget” Ski Town Reject
Uniform: North Face jacket, ski goggles (worn on forehead indoors), and snow boots with zero snow outside.
Roast: If you’re going to walk around like you just got off the slopes, at least have the decency to rent skis once in a while. Those boots aren’t fooling anyone when you’re walking out of a Target.
9. The “Walmart Cowboy” Ensemble
Uniform: Plaid shirt tucked into Wranglers, giant belt buckle, and a cowboy hat so pristine it’s never seen a barn.
Roast: That belt buckle might win the county fair, but we both know your cowboying experience stops at line dancing at Cowboys Nightclub.
10. The “Peak Yoga Mom” Look
Uniform: Designer yoga pants, tank top with a motivational quote like “Namasté All Day,” and a Hydro Flask in hand.
Roast: The only stretching you’re doing is finding ways to tell everyone you climbed Pikes Peak that one time. And your Hydro Flask is basically a glorified accessory—it’s just filled with La Croix, isn’t it?
Colorado Springs has a lot of personality, and its fashion game—while entertainingly mismatched—is part of its unique charm!
