Rockin’ Chair Rebellion
I had a long conversation at the Waffle House with a local legend named Wally Riffs, a rock and roll diehard who now promotes rock shows for seniors around the area:
Let me tell you something, kid. When you’ve been in the rock-and-roll game as long as I have, you know one thing: it never dies. It slows down, maybe gets a little hard of hearing, but it doesn’t die. That’s why I organize shows for what I call the Rockin’ Chair Rebellion Tour—live rock and roll for the most badass residents of assisted living facilities across the country. We may have walkers, but we still walk the line, baby.
We’re not talking about some half-baked acoustic nonsense either. No, sir. These are full-on rock shows, complete with fog machines, laser lights, and amps cranked up to a respectable-but-not-hearing-aid-destroying level. Last week, we had The Titanium Hips headlining at Golden Acres Senior Living. They closed with their smash hit “Don’t Pull My Plug (Let Me Keep Rockin’)” and, let me tell you, the crowd went wild. Mildly wild—mostly some spirited toe-tapping and one guy doing air guitar in his recliner, but still.
Now, I won’t lie to you—putting these shows on is a logistical nightmare. We’ve got a whole squadron of doctors on standby at every event. You take a tumble off a speaker stack during “Wheelchair Riot”? Boom, Dr. Sanchez is there to patch you up before the guitar solo ends. Drink too much orange juice at the refreshment stand? No worries, we’ve got IV drips ready to rehydrate you. Rockin’ responsibly is our motto.
And the bands? Oh, we’ve got legends. The AARP All-Stars are a crowd favorite. Their ballad “Hot Flash Highway” still brings tears to eyes, mostly because someone accidentally rubs menthol ointment too close to their face. Last month, Cardiac Arrest did a reunion tour featuring their classic, “I Wanna Code, But Not Blue.” They’re heavy metal, by the way—lots of double bass pedal and raspy screams.
I book the acts, sure, but I also run security. You wouldn’t think you’d need bouncers at a senior rock show, but you’d be surprised how fast things escalate during the encore. One lady at Shady Pines Retirement Home tried to rush the stage to kiss the drummer from Cataract Thunder, and she wasn’t messing around. Took out two folding chairs and nearly knocked over the snack table before we wrangled her back to her wheelchair.
And the snack table! Oh, that’s another production all on its own. You’ve gotta have plenty of orange Jell-O, unsalted pretzels, and decaf coffee, or there’ll be mutiny before the opening act finishes tuning. One time, I tried to introduce artisanal hummus into the lineup, and I thought The Tapioca Twins were going to riot. Never again.
We even have a merch table—big draw. Last week at the Meadowlark Care Center, we sold out of Hearing Aid Heroes t-shirts in fifteen minutes. Their slogan? “Crank It Up (But Not Too Much).” The seniors love it. I think it’s the blend of rebellion and practicality.
Of course, it’s not all smooth sailing. We had to cancel a show last year because The Pacemaker Prophets got into a fistfight during soundcheck over whether to play “Achy Breaky Hips” or “The Ballad of Bingo Night.” That’s rock and roll for you, though—tempers run hot when the music’s this electric. Or at least mildly charged.
Look, we’re not slowing down. Next month, we’re doing a three-day festival at Happy Trails Assisted Living. We’re calling it Geriatric Jam Fest 2024, and it’s gonna be huge. The Rolling Bones, Medicare Mayhem, and a hologram of Jerry Garcia’s favorite recliner are headlining. I’ve already booked extra oxygen tanks and two cardiologists. It’s gonna be a madhouse.
So, if you ever doubt that rock and roll still has a pulse, come find me. I’ll be backstage at the Meadowlark, making sure the drummer from Bedpan Boogie gets his Metamucil before the set. Because as long as there’s a shred of rebellion in these old bones, the show must go on.
