Sam the retired trash man: last minute candidate for President of the United States

“Ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, and everyone who has ever been stuck behind someone driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the fast lane — I stand before you today as a candidate for President of the United States. Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Another politician? Great. What’s this one gonna promise, free Wi-Fi on the moon?’ But no, I’m different. I’m not here to give you vague, sweeping promises about ‘fixing the economy’ or ‘comprehensive immigration reform.’ I’m here to solve the *real* issues — the ones that make you grind your teeth every single day.

Now, let’s talk about my background. I’m a retired worker from the Department of Refuse Collection. That’s right, folks. I spent my life knee-deep in your garbage, so I know trash when I see it — and I’ve seen a lot of it. So let’s clear it up, America. Let’s take out the trash.

First on my agenda: double parkers. You know who I’m talking about — that person who just *has* to block the entire street because they ‘just need to run in for a minute.’ Under my administration, we’ll have a zero-tolerance policy. You double-park, we double-tow. That’s right — we tow your car to a location *we* choose, and we won’t tell you where. It’s like a little game of hide and seek — good luck finding it, pal.

Next up: traffic cones and orange barrels. They’re everywhere! I drove through one intersection the other day, and I thought I was in a Halloween maze. Enough is enough. As President, I will issue an executive order to limit all roadwork to a strict 7-day schedule. If they can’t finish it in a week, we’re moving the cones to a different state and starting over. We’re going to introduce a new national holiday called ‘Take Back the Road Week,’ where all roadwork stops and we drive in peace, like our forefathers intended.

Now, let’s address grocery store blockers — the people who decide to catch up on old times right at the entrance, with their carts diagonal and a toddler throwing fruit snacks at your ankles. My administration will introduce a federally-funded ‘Courtesy Corps’ — trained professionals who will gently but firmly push these folks into the produce section so the rest of us can get through. We’re going to make shopping an enjoyable experience again.

And speaking of public decency, I want to talk about people who think planes are their personal spas. Look, if you’re the kind of person who takes their shoes and socks off mid-flight to give yourself a little DIY pedicure, I’m not saying you should be immediately put on a no-fly list… but I’m not *not* saying it either. In my administration, we’ll pass the Clean Air Act 2.0, which will outlaw any and all mid-air grooming. Keep your feet contained, and your nail clippers at home, for the love of God.

I’ve also got plans to tackle the silent scourge of the handshake enthusiast — you know, the guy who shakes your hand so tight your knuckles are rearranged. This isn’t a wrestling match, it’s a greeting. I will sign a bill that mandates standardized handshake pressure, ensuring all greetings are firm but non-crushing. Our slogan: ‘Firm, but Friendly.’

And don’t get me started on the loud talkers. We all know one. You’re at a coffee shop, trying to enjoy your latte, and the person at the next table is practically narrating their entire life story to the barista. My administration will offer tax incentives to any café willing to implement ‘Volume Control Zones.’ That’s right, if you’re too loud, you’ll be handed a decibel meter and politely escorted outside.

Lastly, we’re going to address the people who talk too softly, so you have to ask them to repeat themselves seven times and still have no idea what they said. If you’re going to speak, speak with some authority! We’re rolling out a new program called ‘Project Speak Up,’ which will give grants to public speaking coaches to train whisperers on how to project. We’re not monsters — we just want to hear you the first time.

So, America, if you’re tired of all the usual nonsense, if you want real, meaningful change — change you can see on your drive to work, in the aisles of the grocery store, and on your next flight — vote for me. I’ll be the candidate who actually makes your day a little better. I won’t just talk about cutting waste; I’ll cut down on the waste of time, patience, and common sense that we all suffer from every day.

Together, we’ll build a nation where everyone merges properly, where sidewalks are for walking, not chatting, and where toenail clippers are banned from the skies. Thank you, God bless, and let’s make America slightly less annoying again!”