Celebrities in Los Angeles: Short Story
Celebrities are common in Los Angeles. Angelenos are blasé around them. On the other hand, you can always tell people visiting from, say, Ohio. If they see a celebrity in a restaurant they speak in a I-think-I’m-whispering-but-I’m-really-yelling-so-loud-that-the-whole-restaurant-gets-quiet voice, “Hey, isn’t that Pee Wee Herman at the bar????!!!!”
To avoid embarrassment from this behavior by Ohioans (mostly from Akron) in restaurants, I prepare ahead of time. As they get louder with each beer, I’ll don one of several disguises. Many times I break out my violinist outfit and stroll between tables playing Beethoven’s Sonata for Violin no. 5 in F major, Opus 24- “Spring”.
Or, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”
You can’t blame them. In Ohio, the local weatherman is an A-list celebrity. He gets a preferred table in the diner on league night at the Rock and Bowl. And, unlike many LA celebrities, a weatherman in Ohio actually has talent. To predict the weather in Ohio you have be intelligent and quick because the weather changes every 5 minutes. And that’s how often they broadcast a weather newsbreak. “We interrupt this telecast of “Heifer World” to bring you this 910pm weather update. The entire state of Ohio is now in a Tornado Warning. Watch for flying houses, cars and cows. Stay tuned to this station for more details.”
Five minutes later. “It is now time for the 915pm weather newsbreak. Skies are clear and calm. We expect sunny weather throughout the state tomorrow except for Cleveland. In fact, atmospheric computer models predict sunshine in the Cleveland area when N’Sync is admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame”.
Angelenos are cool around celebrities. But, later they still feel the need to give me a full report about their sighting. Action heroes, in particular, always seem to come up short:
“I saw Tom Cruise at the Beverly Center yesterday.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah. He was standing outside Brentano’s. I’m telling you, the guy is only 5-3 or 5-4 at the most.”
“No way!”
“I’m telling you.”
“Well, listen to this. Last year I Stallone at a driving range in Studio City. He was smashing 9-irons 200 yards. But he’s like, 4-6, tops.
“Hey, a long time ago I saw Van Damme at the ‘Double Impact’ premier at the Bruin in Westwood. Walked right past us. No taller than my belt buckle.”
“What? Crazy! Check this out. We were drinking at Schwarznegger’s restaurant, Schatzies, in Santa Monica on a Sunday night about 5 years ago. The place was empty and around midnight all these professional wrestler looking guys come in and stand against the walls. Next thing you know Arnold himself saunters in like he owns the place because, well, he does. The guy is only 2 feet tall!”
“Damn! There is no way.”
“I swear on a stack of Maxim magazines.”
“My cousin says he saw Seagal in a coffee shop during the filming of Marked For Death. No taller than the salt shakers!”
“Yeah, I heard they make him look taller by shooting up though the floorboards.”
