Station Fires Last Two Average-Looking Reporters
TV Station WWWW-TV here in Los Angeles has met the demand for super good-looking journalists by finally weeding out the last of their less-attractive reporters.
“We had a couple of weekend reporters that didn’t meet our criteria for being super hot,” said station manager Regin Millson. “One is going into public relations and the other opened a tire store in Santa Fe Springs.”
“We are just meeting the demands of our viewers. Focus groups show they just didn’t want any less-than-perfect reporters giving them the news.
We’ve developed software that can analyze an on-air personality and rate them on a 25-point scale in seconds. If they don’t make the grade, they are out.”
The software rates reporters and anchors on resemblance to attractive movie stars, smile wattage, amount of eye sparkle, fashion sense and voice quality. It also measures mindless banter, softball questions, and the ability to fake interest in anything other than themselves.
“It’s not that we have anything against less-than-attractive people,” said Mr. Millson. “Heck, I have some relatives they wouldn’t even let in the door here. I mean that literally. My family came to take me to lunch one day and station security wouldn’t let them in. What I mean is we are committed to serving our viewers and reporters that look like supermodels is what they want. Every newscast. Every day.”
