Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Family
Big Catholic Family — 40 to 50 Brothers and Sisters
There’s a show about a family with 19 kids or something like that. What’s the big deal? That used to
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Slightly Crazy People in San Francisco – “We’re Just Here to Ride The Cable Cars” Family
Like thousands of others, the family is in town to take in the great views, fantastic architecture and the ride
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Watch Your Stuff On the Beach – It Might Get Ripped Off
This guy came back to his family’s stuff on New Smyrna Beach in Florida only to find two ladies trying
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Six Ways to Spend the $250,000 Your Grandmother Left You
1. Start a naked bowling league.
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2. Invest in a car that runs on power generated by the human cold.
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3. Build a golf course consisting of 1.5 holes.
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4. Start a skateboarding school for adorable dogs in funny videos.
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5. Create a social media site for people in the Witness Protection System.
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6. Start a storage company targeting ex-girlfriends with huge amounts of excess baggage.
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Problems Pin
My dad was to the point: “Sit down, shut up.” My mom tried to treat each of the kids as an individual but there were a lot of us. So she pinned our individual problems on tags on our shirts: “Get off the furniture, ‘anxiety disorder’! Go get your brothers ‘lacks confidence’ and ‘easily bored and frustrated’ and set the table! Put away your toys ‘confused in thinking and has difficulty understanding the world around them’!
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Don’t Rightly Know
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?
The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”
Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”
“Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”
Put The Cat Out
A couple were going out for the evening. They finished getting ready and decided to put the cat out for the night.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple went out the front door, the cat ran back in. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out of the house.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband climbed into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he said, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”
Sports Joke: Learning Sportsmanship
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.
Dad’s Love
The Player: We’re more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can’t give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.
Gran Torino
Harry Tofcano
Zoolander
Blazing Saddles
Life of Brian
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Milton Berle
Adam Sandler
Joe Ditzel Gift Guide
For my birthday last year, a couple of relatives said to me, “I didn’t know what to get you, so here is a gift certificate.”
To eliminate any doubt about what to get me, I have created the Joe Ditzel Gift Guide. I welcome any of these great gifts:
* Ferrari F355 Spider Convertible- $140,000. If you buy this car for me I’ll thank you with a coupon for a free Jiffy Lube. Every body needs a good Jiffy Lube now and then.
* Tour of American Strip Clubs- forget the Bike Ride Across Iowa or the African Safari for adventure vacations. I want to tour America’s Finest Strip Clubs with a big stack of 20’s.
* I’ll start with the Cheetah III in Atlanta. Round of Golf with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nucleus and Alice Cooper – as a golfer it is my dream to play golf with Arena and Jack. As far as Alice, I want a chance to win back some of the money I spent from my paper route on “School’s Out” and “Billion Dollar Babies” in the 70’s.
* Case of Makers Mark Bourbon- Makers Mark has the greatest ad slogan ever: “Tastes expensive. And is.” Makes Jack Daniel taste like bourbon strained through old socks.
* Hair- my hair is receding from my temples and meeting in the middle, leaving an island of hair in the front. If you look close, you can see Gilligan and the Skipper waving. I look forward to your gift of a case of Rogaine.
* Heidi Klum.
I’ll add to the list as I think of things. However, you do not need to wait until my birthday to send me any of these items.
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Crowded House
My father and mother were basking in the glow of their first year of marriage. They were sitting on the porch sipping lemonade when my mom announced lovingly, “I’m already sick of looking at you. Let’s have a kid.”
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