Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Golf
Finally Played Golf Again
Finally played golf again for the first time in a long time. I had to go to the Airport Post Office so I decided to shoot over to Westchester Golf Course for some late afternoon hacking. I had never seen the three new holes added back in February. The did a really good job. ( http://www.dailybreeze.com/news/ci_14320462 ) . Plus the clubhouse is remodeled. All in all some nice changes.
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Are You An Angry Golfer?
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Aliens Land
Two aliens land next to a golf course. They see a golfer whack his ball off the tee and into the rough. Then they see him, cursing all the way, storm up to the ball and hack away with an iron until he finally gets the ball out of the rough. And straight into a sand trap. So they watch him as, still cursing and red faced, he marches into the sand trap and hacks away at the ball until finally he gets out of the sand trap and onto the green and finally into the cup.
Says one alien to the other: “That guy is really screwed now.”
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Corporate Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Golf Comedian
Corporate Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Golf Comedian
Joe Ditzel is perfect for entertainment for golf outings, banquets and conventions. As the author of "Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems on the Golf Course" and "Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems Remembering Golf Jokes" Joe will keep your group in stitches with his tales of life on the course. A long time hacker and lover of the game, Joe knows golf inside out. Audiences identify with his stories because they have all been there- slashing, hacking and four-putting their way through another broken round. Call 213-804-0105 or email [email protected] for booking availability.
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Joe has performed for thousands of audiences and looks forward to performing for your group.
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Game’s on Fire
Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine, California almost burned to the ground a few days ago. A golfer made a bad swing and hit a rock that sent out some sparks that ignited the surrounding grass. 25 acres burned before the fire was contained by 150 Orange County Firefighters.
People ask me all the time where I get material. Sometimes it just writes itself.
But wait. The unnamed golfer said he hit a rock that created sparks that started the fire? Hmmm. There is also the possibility he was grabbing a smoke and threw down a butt and didn't stomp it out all the way.
Jared was like that. He's a course rat up at Lost Canyons– the kind of guy with vague sources of income that hang around the course all day. The marshals regularly told him NOT TO SMOKE ON THE COURSE. He obliged by waiting until he was out of sight of the clubhouse to light up. That may seem fairly harmless until you consider Lost Canyons winds through the Santa Susana mountains located in Simi Valley northwest of Los Angeles. A fire would be devatasting.
Throughout the round Jared would sneak smokes. "Heads up right!" he would yell to unsuspecting gophers and deer as he drove another ball into the shadows of a canyon. I got the feeling he was hitting them into the scrub off the fairways just so he had more visual cover from the marshal. He could not go more than two holes before he had to light up another smoke. He had a system– he would grind out the cigarette on the ground and then pick up the butt and drop it into a little cup he had built on the inside of his golf bag near the clubs.
A couple of years ago we were teeing off on a bright Sunday morning. There are no homes surrounding the course so you feel like you are away from civilization even though the 118 freeway is just down the road. Halfway down a long par 5, Jared huddled behind his cart to light up yet another smoke. From somewhere in the shadows of the trees, a marshal appeared heading full tilt toward Jared's smoking site.
"Jared! Are you smoking?" the marshall yelled, his voice echoing down the canyon.
Jared flinched like his daughter just told him her college tuition was going to cost $70,000 a year. "No, sir. Just trying to decide on a club. Woo… let's see…" The marshal drove off in the other direction as Jared mulled over his shot. Finally he lashed a three-metal down the fairway. He nervously got in his cart and sped off.
That's when I noticed the smoke billowing out of his golf bag. In his haste and surprise he had tossed his cigarette right into the bag itself. The smoke was getting thicker and thicker. He looked like a mini choo-choo train from a Saturday morning cartoon. "Jared!" I yelled. "Your bag is on fire!"
He waved me off as he hurtled across the tarmac. His ball was resting just short of the pond fronting the green. He slammed on the brakes and jumped out. By now the smoke looked like a chimney on a steel mill from Youngstown around 1978. Instinctively he unlashed the bag and threw it on the ground. He took two steps, picked up the whole bag in one smooth motion and launched it high in the air. The clubs flew out the top as the bag did a slow helicopter spin before splashing down in the pond, sinking to the bottom.
He looked at me and said, "Got a smoke?"
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Pretty Penny
Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.
Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these ball cost me a pretty penny!”
Rabby replies “Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be out here.”
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The Builder – Golf Joke
A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn’t very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout ‘Damn, missed’.
The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. “Don’t swear like that” he told his friend, “or God will punish you”. The builder apologized and the game continued.
As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted “Damn, missed.” and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.
The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said “I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!”
Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out “Damn, missed”. Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.
Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, “Damn, missed!”
Don’t Step on Me
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?”
“Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.
St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?”
“I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman.
“I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman.
“I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?”
The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
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Bitter Cold
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn’t matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said “Terrible weather out there.”
She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”
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Passion
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”. “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
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Re-marry
A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, “If I died, would you re-marry?”
“I would,” the husband answered.
“You would?” the wife asked, a bit surprised. “Would you let her come into my house?”
“I would.”
“Would she be cooking in my kitchen?”
“She would!”
“Would she be soaking in my bathtub?”
“She would!”
“Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?”
“She would!”
Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: “Would she be driving my car?”
“She would!”
“Would she be sleeping in my bed?”
“She would!”
“Would she be using my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, definitely not.”
“Why not?”
“She’s left-handed.”
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Play Through
There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through.
About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, “I can’t go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress.”
So his friend replies, “I’ll go up and ask them.” When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back.
“Small world.”
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Engineering a Solution – Engineer Joke
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?
George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
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Engineering a Solution
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?
George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
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