Billboard Blues
I noticed billboard advertisers try to appeal to Angelenos as if we all worked in show business. One bank promoted their abundance of ATM locations with the line “Like Paparazzi to Celebrities. Around Every Corner.”
Read More
Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems in Los Angeles
Itunes Pulls “It Never Rains in Southern California”
Apple Computer’s popular Itunes service has pulled Albert Hammond’s “It Never Rains in Southern California” from the on-line store. Recent thunderstorms throughout the Los Angeles area prompted the action. “At this point in time we felt it best to protect our loyal Southern California customers from this song,” Apple’s Robert Shystberg told a press conference this morning at the Beverly Hilton.
“It is difficult enough to drive on slightly wet pavement, much less listen to this melancholy song that has proven to be inaccurate and does nothing to improve our overall well-being,” L.A. resident Kyle Klopsy told reporters.
Read More
Light Up the Sky Like a Flame
Fame is diluted. It used to be you had to DO something- a skill, a talent- acting, singing, telling jokes, something- that you were famous for. Now you can be famous for being famous. So why don’t we just have awards for just being famous. The Fame Awards. We could have awards for:
Read More
Nobody Walks In L.A.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
I used to live in San Francisco. San Francisco is a walking town. People are serious about walking. The favorite business shoe style for men is black Gucci’s with Vibram soles. Women wear high heels with actual mountain climbing cleats in them. In addition, many people carry walking sticks along with their briefcases. It helps with balance and is useful in poking tourists who stand in your way in small groups bent over maps looking for the Coit Tower.
Read More
Brooks Brothers Closes Melrose Avenue Store
Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”
“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.
The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.
“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”
Read More
Man Arrested While Walking in Los Angeles
Hidale Gustap was arrested Friday night while walking along 3rd Street near the Farmers Market in Los Angeles. Police stopped Mr. Gustap as he kneeled to re-tie his shoe. Police protocol is to stop anyone walking in Los Angeles.
“People here drive everywhere. No one walks,” a police spokesman said. “Some people run for fitness and we look past that. But anyone walking is stopped and brought in for questioning.”
“I was just testing out my new pedometer,” complained Mr. Gustap. “I hadn’t gone eight blocks when two police cars drove up on the sidewalk and nearly hit me.”
Mr. Gustap was held for several hours and then released. “We kept the pedometer for testing. It could be a trigger for an IED,” the police said.
Read More
LAUSD Utilizes Cross Walks for Math Education
The Los Angeles United School District announced today a pilot project that uses the new “countdown crosswalk lights” in math education. The new lights indicate to pedestrians how much time they have remaining to cross the street before the light changes. LAUSD plans to shepherd third graders back and forth across these crosswalks and observe reverse counting to enhance math skills.
Read More
Shafted
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
I live on the fourth floor of a four story luxury apartment building. By “luxury”, I mean the hot water is hot for more than 3 minutes.
Read More
It’s Only Rock and Roll – And Country, Funk, Punk and some Rockabilly, Too
“What?” I yelled to the guy behind the counter. “You need an accessory attenuator- it modulates the signal coming out
Read More
Chill Like Flint
I don’t think about the Hollywood Hills that much. They sit on the northern ridge of the flat expanse of
Read More
Celebrities in Los Angeles: Short Story
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Celebrities are common in Los Angeles. Angelenos are blasé around them. On the other hand, you can always tell people visiting from, say, Ohio. If they see a celebrity in a restaurant they speak in a I-think-I'm-whispering-but-I'm-really-yelling-so-loud-that-the-whole-restaurant-gets-quiet voice, "Hey, isn’t that Pee Wee Herman at the bar????!!!!"
Fire in the Sky
An earthquake hit the other day in LA. I woke up at 4 in the morning and my bed rolling like I was on a raft on the ocean.
I turned over and went back to sleep.
Read More
On Your Left!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Vivian wanted to go to the beach. I didn’t. The problem is I burn easily. I got burned last week when I stood in front of the refrigerator light too long. I started peeling so bad I look like a character in Mission Impossible pulling off his fake face.
Read More
Porcelain Springs
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
"Hey, don’t drink that," my friend said as I filled a glass from the kitchen tap. "Our water is disgusting. Here, you can have this," she said as she handed me a bottle of Evian from the fridge.
Read More