Do You Work Here?
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Everywhere I go people ask me one thing: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems Podcast
Mental
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I should have become a therapist. That’s a good job. You just listen to people drone on about their problems for an hour while you picture another $150 falling out of the sky.
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Mr. Ditzel, Brianna Will See You Now
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I walked into Discount Hair for my haircut. After they called my name, I plopped into a chair. Carla sat in the next chair, taking the last drags off her Marlboro Red, the final pull burning into the filter.
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Real Men Play Blades
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“Real men play blades”, said John Carling, Sr. as he hit balls at the Studio City Golf Range last week. “All these ‘game improvement’ clubs, hybrids, perimeter-weighting, cavity backs, all of ’em are crap. It’s just the golf industry coming up with new ways to make money. And most people fall for it. Hook, line and sinker!”
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Carrot Diet Grows in Popularity
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A diet based on carrots is the recommended program at new website CarrotsOnly.com.
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Beauty School Graduate
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“Can I get a haircut this afternoon?” I asked.
“Can you come back in half an hour?” the receptionist/cashier/gum chewer responded. “Varna can take you.”
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The Only Blues You Should Be Playing is B.B. King
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You used to be able to shoot a round of golf in a few hours. Now a round of golf drags on longer than a weekend with your relatives. It takes all day to finish 18 holes. You play the first hole and then you wait. Finally, you tee off and then you wait. You go to your tee shot and wait until they are off the green. Slow play has never been worse.
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Watching TV with Mr. Television
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For about a year and a half I ate lunch every Thursday at the Friars Club in Beverly Hills.
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Geek Love at Skybar
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The epicenter of trendy LA is the Sky Bar. Every somebody and wannabe in town has traversed the wooden floors of this stylish outdoor bar at the Mondrian Hotel on the Sunset Strip.
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Shafted
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I live on the fourth floor of a four story luxury apartment building. By “luxury”, I mean the hot water is hot for more than 3 minutes.
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The Greatest City in the World
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(This article was written just after the 9/11 tragedy.)
“Sorry about that,” a guy in a tuxedo and white scarf said after he bumped into me outside Caroline’s comedy club.
“This IS New York, right?” I asked our next cabbie.
“Yes, mon,” he said, smiling beneath a shock of dreads, showing two rows of gold and silver teeth, “the greatest city in the world.”
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Celebrities in Los Angeles: Short Story
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Celebrities are common in Los Angeles. Angelenos are blasé around them. On the other hand, you can always tell people visiting from, say, Ohio. If they see a celebrity in a restaurant they speak in a I-think-I'm-whispering-but-I'm-really-yelling-so-loud-that-the-whole-restaurant-gets-quiet voice, "Hey, isn’t that Pee Wee Herman at the bar????!!!!"
The Mulligan Brothers
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Jimmy shanked his tee shot into the woods. He pulled a second ball out of his jeans pocket with one smooth move.
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Take My Money…Please
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I was in an office supply store to buy a Quicken upgrade. I passed the digital (still) camera display. While I’ve wanted to get a digital camera for a while, the average prices are too rich for me.
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On Your Left!
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Vivian wanted to go to the beach. I didn’t. The problem is I burn easily. I got burned last week when I stood in front of the refrigerator light too long. I started peeling so bad I look like a character in Mission Impossible pulling off his fake face.
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