Jokes

A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, “If I died, would you re-marry?”

“I would,” the husband answered.

“You would?” the wife asked, a bit surprised. “Would you let her come into my house?”

“I would.”

“Would she be cooking in my kitchen?”

“She would!”

“Would she be soaking in my bathtub?”

“She would!”

“Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?”

“She would!”

Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: “Would she be driving my car?”

“She would!”

“Would she be sleeping in my bed?”

“She would!”

“Would she be using my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no, definitely not.”

“Why not?”

“She’s left-handed.”

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through.

About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, “I can’t go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress.”

So his friend replies, “I’ll go up and ask them.” When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back.

“Small world.”

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Ed and Sam were standing at the first tee, agreeing to play the ball as it lay for the round. Ed hit a beautiful tee shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. Sam was not so lucky, shanking his shot dead right with the ball coming to rest dead center on the cartpath.

“I get free relief from the cartpath”, Sam said. “Like hell you do,” Ed said. “We’re playing it as it lies, remember?” So they hop in the cart, and Sam drops Ed in the middle of the fairway at his ball. Then he heads over to the cartpath to hit his shot.

Ed begins to laugh to himself as he Sam making sparks on the concrete as he took his practice swing. Then with another array of sparks, Sam nails his shot straight at the green. The ball lands softly and stops three feet from the pin. Then he casually gets in the cart and drives back to Ed.

“Great shot”, Ed said. “What club did you use?”

Sam said, “Your six iron”.

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn’t include Tom O’Brien in the games anymore.

The husband asks, “Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?”

“Of course I wouldn’t,” replies the wife.

“Well,” says the husband, “neither would Tom O’Brien.”

A golfer was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him; “Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat”.

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.

Bob and Jim are playing a new golf course built on very scenic terrain – cliff-sides and gullies and ravines.

They reach the 6th hole, where Bob slices a ball into a thickly wooded, deep ravine. He is determined not to take a penalty stroke, so he grabs his 8-iron and starts descending into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is terribly thick and tearing at his clothes. The sunlight is dimmed by all the overhanging branches and vines. He keeps searching, and finally spots something shiny down below.

As he nears the object, he realizes it’s not a ball, but a golf club. He takes a closer look only to discover that it is an 8-iron – and it’s in the hands of a human skeleton laying near an old golf ball.

Bob yells out, “Hey Jim, get over here, I got trouble down here!”

Jim hurries over to the edge of the ravine and yells down, “What’s the matter?”

Bob replies, “Bring me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of this stuff with an 8.”

Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.

He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.

Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.

“No way,” he replied. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” she asked.

He responded, “The last time I did that something terrible happened.”

“What?” she asked.

The man answered, “I got a double bogey.”

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well.

This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, “Sandy, these balls cost me a lot of money,” to which Sandy replies, “If you can’t afford to play the game, you should not be out here.”

Tom was a man of faith, and a man of the golf course. He played golf every Sunday religiously, but only after attending church services.

Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling ill, he said to his wife, “I sure hope there is golf in the afterlife. I feel terrible!”

His wife told him not to overreact with talk about the afterlife. “Go to church and say a little prayer,” she suggested, “and you’ll feel better.”

So Tom headed to church. As he kneeled at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer: “Oh Lord, thank you for everything – my health, my wife and my golf game. I hope that when I reach Heaven I can still play golf.”

As soon as he finished, a voice thundered: “Tom, this is the Lord. I hear you and will answer your question.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

Tom was startled. “Well, give me the good news,” he said.

The Lord replied, “The good news is that in Heaven, we have thousands of championship golf courses, play is never slow, it’s always free and you will never lose a golf ball.”

Tom was ecstatic, “That’s wonderful! You’ve answered my prayer! But what is the bad news?”

The Lord replied, “You tee off tomorrow at 9 a.m.”