Teeing Off with Justice: Your Next Golf Caddy Could Wear a Robe

Ever dreamed of hearing a Supreme Court Justice shout “Fore!” on your behalf? Thanks to the Judicial Sponsorship Program, your dreams of a justice-laden caddy experience can now come true. For a generous donation, one of America’s robe-wearing finest can be yours for a day on the links. After all, what better way to swing your clubs than with someone who swings the gavel?

Here’s how it works: first, you pick your favorite Justice. Do you want the strict constructionist who plays by the rulebook, or the loose interpreter who believes that maybe, just maybe, those out-of-bounds stakes are more what you’d call “guidelines”? Either way, we’ve got a justice for you.

Once you’ve made your selection and your donation has cleared several rounds of ethical scrutiny—or as much scrutiny as a hastily passed Act allows—you’re ready to hit the green. Your Justice will arrive at dawn, draped in their finest golf-appropriate robes (complete with a tastefully embroidered court seal on the chest).

Your day begins at the clubhouse, where you can enjoy a continental breakfast and a brief seminar on the legal ramifications of your golf swing. As you approach the first tee, don’t be nervous. Remember, you’re the one paying for the pleasure of this company. Feel free to ask for advice on whether your golf ball’s lie could constitute an actionable offense under the law of the land or just under the rules of golf.

As you make your way through the course, your Justice caddy will provide invaluable insights such as the aerodynamics of a golf ball mid-flight through the lens of constitutional law, and whether yelling “In the hole!” at a par-5 tee-off could be considered overly optimistic speech protected by the First Amendment.

Need a ruling on a contested play? Forget those messy club-level disputes. This is what a Supreme Court Justice caddy is for. With a simple “I dissent,” your Justice can overturn any on-course rulings by lesser authorities. Plus, who’s going to argue with a Supreme Court Justice, especially when they’ve got the power of judicial review in one hand and a nine-iron in the other?

And don’t forget the photo ops—there’s nothing like a selfie with a Supreme Court Justice in a golf cart to make your country club friends green with envy. Just make sure to caption it right: “Playing through the course of justice,” or maybe, “Fairways and balanced rulings.”

As your day ends, and you settle up at the 19th hole, reflect on the legal wisdom imparted upon you, the strokes shaved off your game by judicial fiat, and the distinct feeling that you may have just participated in something profoundly absurd yet strangely American.

So why wait? Sponsor a Supreme Court Justice as your golf caddy today. Because in this great nation, even justice likes a day out on the course.