Texas Begins Construction of Wall Around Austin

Texas officials today announced the beginning of construction on a wall around Austin, the state capital. The wall is designed to contain Austin culture in a confined space to keep it from spreading unchecked through the state.

“We are proud of Austin,” a spokesperson stated at a press conference on the steps of the capitol building. “It’s the seat of government in the Great State of Texas. However, Austin developed a culture, or style, or way of being, whatever you want to call it, that is out of step with the rest of the state. We want to contain it before it moves rapidly through the region. We like the city and the people, but one Austin is enough.”

“This is silly,” said a long-time resident. “They can’t fix the potholes but they have money to build a wall around the city? Why don’t they put a wall around the capitol building to keep them in until they get some actual work done?”

Protesters lined the streets near the primary construction site carrying signs reading SAVE AUSTIN!, BUILD THE WALL AROUND POLITICIANS! and KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD AND WALL-FREE! “Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall!” they chanted in-between sipping chai Lattes and munching kale chips.