The hockey announcer who gives too much information
“Welcome back, folks, to the Edmonton Elks versus the Saskatoon Snowstorm, where the action on the ice is as intense as the personal lives of the players. Puck drops to start the second period—oh, and Gordie ‘Two Mortgage Payments Behind’ McAllister wins the faceoff for Edmonton. Tough year for Gordie—lost custody of his golden retriever, and you know he’s been taking that out on his slapshot.”
“McAllister quickly dishes it to LeBraun. Now, here’s a guy who’s fresh off a messy divorce. Says he’s been leaning heavily on Taylor Swift’s Red album to get through it. You can really see the heartbreak in his puck handling tonight. LeBraun moves it into the zone, finds Michelski on the wing. Michelski, by the way, recently took up pottery to manage his anger issues. Says the clay helps him ‘channel his inner calm,’ which must explain that buttery pass through Saskatoon’s defense.”
“Oh! Michelski gets leveled by McRory—what a hit! McRory, who I should mention, still lives with his mom at 28. Not judging—it’s a tough housing market—but maybe focus less on gaming setups and more on defensive setups, am I right? He grabs the loose puck and flips it up to Kazlov. Now, here’s a guy whose confidence is on the rise ever since he got that hair transplant. Really skating with his head held high—literally and figuratively.”
“Kazlov winds up for a slapshot—blocked by Andrews! What a defensive play by Andrews, who recently found out he’s lactose intolerant but refuses to quit milkshakes. Says it’s a matter of principle, even if it wrecks his stomach. Puck’s loose in the corner now—Edmonton coach Donnie ‘Three Failed Startups’ Marlow barking orders from the bench. Marlow told me before the game that his nephew keeps asking for free tickets even though the kid doesn’t even like hockey. Said it’s a level of disrespect he hasn’t felt since he pitched a dog yoga app on Shark Tank.”
“Anyway, Fergusson from Saskatoon scoops up the puck—what a hustle from a guy who spent his summer selling plasma to pay off his speedboat. Truly inspirational. Fergusson zips up the ice, dodges McAllister—oh no! He wipes out! You hate to see that happen to a guy who has to explain to his landlord later why his rent check bounced.”
“Michelski recovers the puck, sends it up to LeBraun again—wow, LeBraun’s everywhere tonight. Earlier, he told me his therapist recommended visualizing the puck as his ex-wife’s lawyer, and let me tell you, he’s taking that advice to heart. LeBraun winds up—shoots—and it’s in! Goal for Edmonton! That’s his second of the night, and you can tell by the look on his face, it’s probably the best thing to happen to him in months.”
“Meanwhile, Saskatoon’s goalie, Thompkins, is looking absolutely crushed out there. Poor guy had his credit card declined at the gas station on the way to the arena. He’s had better days.”
