The Jerry Lewis of Singapore

My web hosting service provides a cool report which breaks down my web-site visitors by country. There is a whole bunch of people clicking in from Singapore. Singapore?

I consulted my international network of fans to get more information. E-mail reports from Asia tell an amazing story about what is going on in Singapore.

I am to Singapore what Jerry Lewis is to France.

When the movie “Hardly Working” opened in Paris in 1980, a big banner on the Champs Elysees read “JERRY”. Everybody knew who it was. There is a big banner right now in downtown Singapore that says “JOE”.

And I don’t even have a movie coming out. Or so I thought. A group of university students figured out how to scan me in digitally to existing movies. I am now the star of “Sixth Sense.” It’s a little different in the Singapore version. I can see dead people but only one shows up — my mom. During the whole movie she keeps asking me if I’ve put gas in the car and for the love of God take out the trash.

People walk around Singapore repeating lines from my columns. They yell at each other, “You tell Bobby Flay to go fry himself!” and then laugh hysterically because they have no idea what they are saying.

Ditzel-mania is out of control. There is actually a professional wrestler in Singapore named “The Ditz”. He looks like me. He acts like me- before he enters the ring he spends 15 minutes looking for his car keys.

Then, he climbs over the ropes as the crowd chants DITZ! DITZ! DITZ!

He grabs a mike and says, “Can you smell what The Ditz has been cooking?”

It’s craziness. There is a line of potato chips called DitzChips available in the supermarkets. People drink beer and eat DitzChips while watching wrestling.

The biggest bookstore chain there features my book in the front window of every store. This is a very big deal because I don’t have a book. The people of Singapore couldn’t wait for me to finish one. They wrote that I am dating seventeen different Singapore supermodels. I didn’t know Singapore had one supermodel. The bar is lower. You can be a hand model and still achieve supermodel status.

I have to go to Singapore to check this out for myself. But then again, I would be mobbed, chaos would ensue, and the country would shut down. So I’ll stay here. In the interest of international relations. Hey, ladeee!