The new golden age of art and culture?
Donald Trump fired the members of the board of trustees at the Kennedy Center, named himself chairman and said he would begin a “New Golden Age of Arts and Culture.” These are 10 things we might see with a Trumpian spin.
The Mona Lisa Reimagined as Ivanka
“Da Vinci was good, but not great,” Trump proclaims during a press conference. “He never saw Ivanka’s smile. Sad for him.” In a controversial move, the Mona Lisa’s face is replaced with Ivanka’s, prompting worldwide outrage and a lawsuit from the Louvre. Trump, however, insists it’s “an upgrade” and says the painting is now “a perfect 10.”
Shakespearean Plays Adapted for MAGA Audiences
Say goodbye to tragic endings. In Trump’s Golden Globe Theatre, Shakespeare’s classics are rewritten to ensure uplifting, pro-Trump resolutions. King Lear becomes King Don, in which the wise king banishes all “fake news” daughters and reclaims his kingdom with the help of loyal subjects named Eric and Rudy. Every show ends with Lear leading a “Stop the Steal” chant while audience members wear red hats.
Ted Nugent Conducts the National Symphony Orchestra
“Classical music is a disaster. Nobody listens to it anymore,” Trump explains as he announces that Ted Nugent will take over the National Symphony Orchestra. Performances feature a loud and heavily armed rendition of The 1812 Overture, with AR-15s replacing the cannons. The crowd cheers as fireworks spell out “TRUMP 2028” in the sky.
Broadway Debuts The Apprentice: The Musical
Move over Hamilton! The hottest ticket on Broadway is The Apprentice: The Musical, featuring a cast of Trump lookalikes singing showstoppers like “You’re Fired! (The Reprise),” “Covfefe Rhapsody,” and the emotional ballad, “Art of the Deal.” Act Two drags on with a 45-minute boardroom scene where Trump interrogates a character named “Loser Tony” about his lack of loyalty. Standing ovations are mandatory.
Mount Rushmore Gets a Trump Makeover
Plans emerge to modernize Mount Rushmore by adding Trump’s face—plated in gold, of course. “This isn’t about ego,” Trump clarifies at a press conference. “It’s about history. History needs a winner’s face, not the losers up there now.” Tourism skyrockets, though most visitors come to take selfies while flipping off the new addition.
Poetry Slams Go Full MAGA
In the Trump Golden Age, poetry slams become televised events featuring verses that start with “Believe me…” and have no rhyme schemes. Popular themes include “Wind turbines are killing culture” and “Unfair treatment by the media.” Judges like Don Jr. and Tucker Carlson nod approvingly while snapping their fingers in stiff, awkward rhythm.
Mar-a-Lago Declared the New Paris for Artists
Mar-a-Lago is rebranded as the new global art center. “Who needs Montmartre?” Trump asks rhetorically. Artists, writers, and creatives are required to relocate to the estate and paint Trump portraits on commission. One exhibit titled Trump Crossing the Delaware depicts him standing proudly in a speedboat, with Rudy Giuliani holding binoculars in the background. Critics are… not kind.
Art Museums Now Feature Gift Shops Every 10 Feet
Art museums nationwide undergo massive renovations, with 80% of the floor space dedicated to gift shops. “Nobody wants to stand around looking at paintings all day,” Trump explains. The main exhibits include rotating collections of Trump magazine covers and golden statues of him golfing. Souvenirs range from gold-plated NFTs to MAGA snow globes.
Ballet Replaced by “High-Energy Rallies”
The Nutcracker is deemed “too woke” and scrapped. In its place, audiences enjoy The MAGA Dance Spectacular, a high-energy show that features synchronized chants and interpretive dances symbolizing “draining the swamp.” Ballet critics weep silently into their scarves while Kid Rock provides a live soundtrack.
The Trump Arts Awards Hosted by Kid Rock and Tucker Carlson
The annual Trump Arts Awards ceremony is a spectacle of patriotic pageantry. Kid Rock and Tucker Carlson serve as co-hosts, handing out trophies for categories like “Best Fake News Painting” and “Most Patriotic Trump Song.” Notable winners include Marjorie Taylor Greene for her sculpture Don Jr. Wrestles a Bear and Kanye West for Tweet Symphony No. 45. The night closes with a fireworks display sponsored by MyPillow.
America has officially entered a New Golden Age… one where every cultural achievement is drenched in gold paint, MAGA hats, and Ted Nugent solos.
