The Supreme Court’s New Late-Night Legal Advice Hotline

In the continuing commercialization of The Supreme Court, the Court has launched its very own legal advice hotline. For the low, low price of $19.95, Americans can now get their constitutional queries answered by none other than actual, robe-wearing Justices of the Supreme Court—because nothing says “judicial restraint” like hawking legal advice between ads for miracle weight loss pills and psychic readings.

“Justice in a Jiffy” (patent pending) is the brainchild of an entrepreneurial intern who realized that the real money in law wasn’t in long, drawn-out court cases or even high-stakes corporate law, but in bite-sized, easily-digestible legal advice dispensed at $20 a pop. Who needs a law degree when you have a credit card and a telephone?

The hotline works like this: callers dial in, enter their credit card details (all major cards accepted, plus an unexplained preference for Discover), and select from a menu of justices. Want a conservative twist to your legal woes? Press one for a justice who believes the Constitution is as unchangeable as the Ten Commandments. More of a living-document devotee? Press two for a justice who treats the Constitution like a rough draft. There’s even an option to press three for a randomly selected justice, for those who like a little judicial roulette.

Once connected, the fun really begins. Whether you’re wondering if your neighbor can legally stop you from building a replica of the Statue of Liberty in your front yard, or if it’s constitutional for your mother-in-law to insist on visiting every weekend, the justices are on hand to dispense wisdom—though they remind callers that advice given at 2 a.m. might be less about legal scholarship and more about getting you off the phone so they can catch the next episode of “Law & Order.”

But “Justice in a Jiffy” isn’t just about answering calls. Oh no, the program is fully integrated with modern infomercial techniques. Every call is an opportunity to upsell: “You’ve asked whether your cat can legally inherit your estate, but have you considered a commemorative Supreme Court mug? It’s only an extra $9.99 if you order now!”

Testimonials flood in from satisfied customers:

• “I called and Justice [redacted for privacy] helped me understand my right to party. The cops disagreed, but who are they to argue with a Supreme Court Justice?”
• “Thanks to the hotline, I finally have proof that according to no less authority than a Supreme Court Justice, my ex does indeed have to return my sweater.”

Of course, not everyone is thrilled. Legal ethicists are aghast, likening the service to seeing the Pope host a morning talk show. But the justices assure the public that no serious legal advice is actually given without the disclaimer: “This advice is for entertainment purposes only, which should be obvious because you called a number you saw advertised during a commercial for a blanket with sleeves.”

As the hotline buzzes into the night, it’s clear that America’s judiciary is not only “supreme” but now supremely accessible—one questionable credit card transaction at a time. Just remember, if you’re seeking advice on whether it’s legal to rob a bank, the answer is always no, even if the justice sounds half-asleep.