These totally legitimate media organizations were thrilled to comply with Pentagon restrictions

While established news organizations unanimously rejected Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth‘s restrictive press access rules, a handful of obscure “media outlets” rushed to sign the pledge. These intrepid journalists—operating from rural sheds, basement studios, and one memorable tree house—now represent the future of Pentagon press access. Here are ten outlets that make One America News look like The New York Times.

The Cooterville Gazette & Penny Saver

Published biweekly from a former taxidermy shop in Cooterville, Wyoming (population: 34), this combination newspaper and advertising circular has covered exactly zero Pentagon stories in its 73-year history. Editor and sole employee Merle Hutchins, 81, called Hegseth’s office after seeing something about press passes on his nephew’s Facebook. “I figured if they’re handing out passes to the Pentagon, I might as well get one,” Merle explained. “Never been east of Omaha, but you never know.” The Gazette’s last national security story was a 1952 piece titled “Eisenhower Seems Nice.” Merle signed the restrictive pledge without reading it, assuming it was about parking validation.

Timmy’s Totally True News Network

Broadcast via walkie-talkie from a tree house in suburban Cleveland, TTTNN is run by 11-year-old Timothy Chen and his two best friends. Their signal reaches approximately four houses on their cul-de-sac. Timmy’s mother signed the Pentagon paperwork on his behalf after he explained it was “for a school project about current events.” The network’s Pentagon coverage consists entirely of Timmy reading Wikipedia articles about aircraft carriers in a deep voice he thinks sounds like a professional broadcaster. Co-anchor and Vice President of Operations Jake Martinez (age 10) said they were “super excited” to get official credentials, though they were disappointed to learn the press pass doesn’t come with security clearance or “one of those cool ID things that opens doors with a beep.”

Freedom Sting Radio

Broadcasting on an unlicensed frequency from a chicken coop outside Peculiar, Missouri, Freedom Sting Radio serves an audience that station manager Dale Pritchett estimates at “three, maybe four, if you count my wife, which I don’t because she fell asleep.” The station went on the air in 2019 after Dale converted an old CB radio and hasn’t stopped broadcasting since, mostly because he can’t figure out how to turn it off. Dale signed Hegseth’s restrictive pledge after misunderstanding a robocall, believing he’d won a contest. “I thought the press pass meant I could park at the Pentagon for free,” he admitted. “That’d be worth driving out there for.” Freedom Sting Radio’s news coverage consists primarily of Dale reading aloud from newspapers he finds at the Peculiar Public Library, usually 3-6 weeks after publication.

The Fortification News Report

Produced entirely by a gentleman known only as “Commander Rick” from his reinforced underground shelter location (he won’t say where, but his accent suggests Oklahoma), The Fortification News Report exists as a series of mimeographed newsletters sent to a mailing list of nine subscribers. Commander Rick signed Hegseth’s pledge enthusiastically, seeing it as validation that the Pentagon finally recognizes “alternative information sources outside the mainstream media mind-control apparatus.” His coverage of defense issues focuses primarily on “what they’re not telling you,” which is everything, because he has no sources. The Fortification News Report’s editorial policy requires all stories to end with “but that’s exactly what they’d want you to believe.”

Kids Bring the News

Started as a summer project by the Millbrook Elementary School journalism club, Kids Bring the News continues to publish sporadically when any of the seven student reporters remember to check their shared Gmail account. Their faculty advisor, Ms. Henderson, signed the Pentagon forms after briefly skimming them during lunch duty, assuming they were permission slips for a field trip. The outlet’s only defense-related content is a crayon-illustrated piece from 2023 titled “Why Jets Are Cool.” Editor-in-Chief Sofia Rodriguez (6th grade) told her mom she’s now “basically a White House correspondent,” which is not accurate in any way. The publication’s most recent issue featured a hard-hitting exposé on why cafeteria pizza is sometimes rectangle and sometimes triangle.

Apocalypse Garge Radio Network

Broadcasting from a converted school bus parked semi-permanently behind a rest stop near Gila Bend, Arizona, Apocalypse Garage reaches dozens of late-night truckers within a 15-mile radius. Host Randall “Revelation Randy” Burke signed Hegseth’s pledge during a 72-hour marathon broadcast, believing the Pentagon press pass would grant him access to “where they’re keeping the proof.” Proof of what changes depending on the episode. Randy’s defense coverage primarily consists of speculating about unmarked helicopters he’s seen (usually traffic choppers) and reading listener emails about surveillance vans (usually Comcast). His three regular listeners—two insomniacs and one trucker who can’t figure out how to change the channel—constitute his entire demographic.

The Hollow Creek Holler

Published monthly from a single-wide trailer off County Road 7 in Hollow Creek, Tennessee (unincorporated), this newsletter is written entirely by Duane Wilkins, who also serves as printer, distributor, and in one memorable issue, crossword puzzle creator. Duane’s six subscribers include his sister, his ex-wife (court ordered for child support purposes), and four people who gave him money to stop asking. When Duane received information about press credentials, he interpreted it as the government finally taking him seriously as a journalist rather than, as the sheriff had described him, “a nuisance with a Xerox machine.” The Holler’s only Pentagon story suggested that the building’s five-sided shape proves something, though what exactly remains unclear. Duane signed the restrictive rules eagerly, mistaking them for an endorsement.

Toy Pocket News Radio

This “broadcast network” operates from a literal toy radio in the garage of 8-year-old Emma Peterson, who discovered that the plastic microphone produces an AM signal if you stand exactly in the right spot. Her broadcast range is approximately 30 feet, though her father claims he once picked up her signal on his car radio in the driveway. Emma’s mother signed the Pentagon paperwork absentmindedly while cooking dinner, assuming it was another Girl Scout form. Emma’s Pentagon coverage consists of saying “News from the Pentagon: something happened today” in her best grown-up voice, followed by the weather (which she makes up) and a request for listeners to buy her cookies (she’s fundraising for Girl Scouts). Her regular audience is her grandmother, who calls in every broadcast on the pretend phone line (a disconnected handset).

The Green Pepper Prepper News Sheet

Distributed via hand-delivered manila envelopes to a “need-to-know subscriber list” of seven people in various states, The Green Pepper Prepper’s News Sheet is produced by Gary and Linda Stockpile from their off-grid compound (a double-wide with solar panels) in northern Idaho. They signed Hegseth’s restrictive pledge without hesitation, interpreting the rules as “common sense operational security that we’ve been practicing since Y2K anyway.” The Stockpiles see no issue with agreeing not to publish unauthorized information because they don’t believe anything the government says is authorized or unauthorized—it’s all misdirection from the real truth, which they determine using a complex system involving almanacs and shortwave radio static. Their Pentagon coverage focuses exclusively on stockpiling strategies for when “it all comes down.” What “it” is remains vague but urgent.

Morse Code Daily

Technically not a news outlet but rather one retired ham radio operator, Harold “Dit-Dah” Daniels, 79, who broadcasts news headlines in Morse code every evening at 7 PM from his basement in Dubuque, Iowa. Harold’s audience is theoretically global but practically limited to three other Morse code enthusiasts who happen to be listening at that exact frequency at that exact time. Harold signed the Pentagon’s restrictive pledge after his grandson helped him understand what it was, though Harold mainly wanted the press pass as a souvenir to add to his collection of credentials from his 40-year career as an insurance adjuster. His Pentagon coverage consists of translating headlines from the Dubuque Telegraph-Herald into dots and dashes, usually 3-4 days after publication. Last year, Harold transmitted an entire aircraft carrier specification sheet he found on Wikipedia, but no one was listening.