This guy steals elections for a living

As our line at the grocery store was moving slower than the mechanics fixing your car, the chap behind me and I started a conversation. I asked what he did for a living and he said “Election Engineer.”

“What’s that?” I said.

“I never asked for this job,” he said. “It was just something I fell into after I graduated from college. I was looking for work and stumbled upon an ad for an ‘election engineer.’ It sounded like something out of a sci-fi movie, but I was desperate, so I applied.

“I got the job and quickly learned what it entailed. My job was to manipulate the vote in favor of the candidate who hired me. I did this by hacking into voting machines, bribing officials, and even creating fake ballots. It wasn’t a job I was proud of, but it paid well and it was challenging work.

“Over the years, I engineered several successful stolen elections. I didn’t care much for the politicians or political parties that hired me, but I took pride in my work. I was good at what I did, and I made sure that nobody ever suspected a thing.”

“Wow! I figured there was always some kind of dirty business going on. Give me some examples,” I said.

He continued, “Sure. Here are some of the tactics I used. I would infiltrate local government offices and bribe the officials in charge of the vote-counting process. I would also hack into the voting machines, creating backdoors that allowed me to change the outcome of the election without leaving any trace behind. I employed groups of individuals to cast fraudulent votes, using fake identities. I was an expert at manipulating the media and the public narrative, using fake news and social media bots to sway public opinion.

“But the most devious tactic I used was pure artistry. Have you ever heard of ‘The Shadow Vote’?”

“Nope,” I said.

“It’s a small percentage of votes that are deliberately cast for the losing candidate. It’s a way to make the stolen election seem more legitimate. People will think that the election was close and that the losing candidate had a fair shot. It’s the perfect cover-up.”

I nodded, impressed. “That’s brilliant. You really are a master at your craft.”

He looked around and lowered his voice, “Wait until I tell you about my super secret tactic. I call it ‘The Old Double Trouble.’ I use a body double of the candidate. This is how it works. I create a body double of the candidate we are trying to get elected. The double looks and acts exactly like the candidate, but he is a paid actor. We then send the double to public events and get him to make speeches and meet the public. We even get him to participate in debates. The real candidate stays hidden and only comes out for private meetings with donors and other important people. This way, we control the narrative and make sure that nothing goes wrong. It’s foolproof.”

“Wow!,” I said. “How do you find someone who looks exactly like the candidate?”

“That’s where my talent comes in,” he said with a grin. “Ever notice someone at Starbucks who looks exactly like a friend or family member?”

“Sure.”

“Right? It happens all the time. All I do is go to four or five Starbucks or Chipotles and I can find someone who looks like my candidate. Then we bring them in for a fitting and a few acting lessons, and voila! We have a body double.”

“Even Chipotle? Crazy!”

“OK, this one I borrowed from an friend of mine who runs a similar operation in Canada. He calls it ‘The Old Switcheroo.’ Here is how it works: We create a fake voting station in a remote area that’s difficult to monitor. We then hire actors to play the roles of election officials and voters. They cast votes for the candidate we want to win, and we transport those fake ballots to the actual voting station and mix them in with the real ones. This way, it’s almost impossible to trace the fraud back to us.”

“I’m losing my faith in mankind,” I said. He laughed.

“OK, one last strategy. This is from from the TOP SECRET files. Here’s what I do to really steal an election. I call it ‘The Trojan Horse.’ Basically, I infiltrate the opposing candidate’s campaign team. I get one of my people hired as a high-level member of their team, and then we start feeding them false information. We make them believe that we have inside information on the other side’s campaign strategy, and we convince them to make certain decisions that are actually detrimental to their campaign. We also plant false stories in the media, creating a narrative that discredits the opposing candidate. This way, the election is practically won before it even begins.”

I let out a low whistle. “That’s next-level stuff, sir. I never would have thought of that. I will never vote again in any election, including the Maxim Top 100 Hottest Women Poll.”

He smiled. “That’s what makes me the best in the business, friend. I’m always thinking ahead.”