It’s Time to Start Paying College Athletes

It’s obvious. We have to start paying college athletes. The way it is going is not working. We are wasting federal dollars on monitoring college coaches like they are characters in a FBI surveillance training film. And the clandestine shenanigans of alumni trying to gift expensive cars to the parents of star players is ludicrous.

Just pay them. It doesn’t even have to be money.

They are college students. Give them what they want. If you are a college athlete, you’ll get:

1. Unlimited supply of pizza. For top players, the college will build a dorm for you made out of pizza boxes, give you the keys to a pizza slice-shaped car and deliver pizzas to you halfway through every class in case you get hungry.

2. Free iPhones for family and friends. Working closely with Apple, colleges will give you a free iPhone. Football players get the newest, top-of-the-line iPhone, baseball players receive a middle market iPhone and track stars will get older, refurbished models off Amazon. It’s only fair.

3. Free horse-drawn carriage service. Forget free Uber and Lyft rides. You are a top athlete. You want to arrive in style. Universities will supply horse-drawn carriage service to take you to class, practice, the dorm, activities and local bars. If desired, you can even can take the horse and carriage home for the weekend, as long as you don’t do donuts in the snow in the parking lot at Target after hours.