Top 10 Canadian Imports Subject to New U.S. Tariffs

1. Maple Syrup – $3.4 billion
   Yes, it’s liquid gold. Without it, the U.S. pancake economy would collapse within weeks.
2. Cold Air – $8.2 billion
   Specifically during summer heatwaves. It’s imported in invisible tankers and released into northern states to give them “refreshing Canadian breezes.”
3. Hockey Players – $5.7 billion
   Not just NHL stars, but also peewee league prodigies and backyard pond players. A 10% surcharge will now apply to every slapshot.
4. Moose Antlers – $1.1 billion
   Used for everything from lodge décor to the world’s most Canadian coat racks.
5. Apologies – $2.3 billion
   The U.S. has long relied on Canadian exports of heartfelt “Sorry, eh?” for diplomatic repairs and awkward family dinners.
6. Justin Bieber Merchandise – $900 million
   Despite waning popularity, his branded hoodies and bedazzled microphones continue to flood the U.S. tween market.
7. Tim Hortons Coffee and Donuts – $4.5 billion
   The caffeine and sugar pipeline that powers road trips in Michigan and upstate New York.
8. Snowplows – $3.2 billion
   A critical import for snowy states, now with a proposed tariff surcharge of one freebie shovel for Florida as part of a new “climate fairness” clause.
9. Mountie-Inspired Halloween Costumes – $120 million
   Because what’s scarier than a polite person on a horse?
10. Goose Feathers – $400 million
    Sourced from Canada’s infamous geese, they provide the fluff for high-end jackets and pillows—and a 20% tariff means winter is now officially more expensive.

Let’s see if these tariffs can chill the famously polite Canadian economy.