Trump Announces Plan to Peacefully “Absorb” Canada, Starting with Hockey and Beer
In a press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, flanked by a maple leaf-shaped podium adorned with gold trim, Donald Trump unveiled his latest plan: a “very peaceful, very organized” takeover of Canada. The former president called it “Operation Northern Glow-Up,” a strategy designed to bring Canada under U.S. influence “one puck and pint at a time.”
“This is a beautiful plan. The best plan. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it,” Trump began, gesturing with hands that looked suspiciously orange against the backdrop of a projected moose. “We’re not invading. No tanks, no Mounties chasing us with those funny red coats. This is a business deal. A very, very classy business deal.”
Step One: Controlling the NHL
Trump announced his intention to gain control of the National Hockey League as the first move in his takeover. “Hockey is Canada. And I love hockey. The players hit each other, they don’t kneel for the anthem, and they wear helmets, which I might start doing at rallies, by the way. Incredible ratings!”
The plan reportedly involves buying every Canadian NHL franchise with funds raised by selling MAGA-branded goalie pads and Zambonis. Trump said he’s already working on new rules to improve the game, including replacing the Stanley Cup with a “Trump Cup” and allowing players to build walls around their goals.
Step Two: Beer Domination
With hockey secured, the plan shifts to Canada’s beer industry. Trump claimed he’s “already in talks” with Molson, Labatt, and Moosehead. “Let’s face it, American beer is… fine. It’s fine. But Canadian beer? That’s the champagne of beers. And I don’t even drink!” he said, holding up a can of Molson Canadian as if it were a sacred artifact.
According to sources close to the deal, Trump intends to rebrand Canadian beers as “Freedom Brews” and market them exclusively in gold cans. “We’re going to make beer great again, folks. It’s going to be huge.”
Canada Responds
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau issued a calm yet subtly exasperated statement: “While we respect the former president’s passion for hockey and beer, Canada is not for sale. Also, we’d like to remind him that curling is our national sport, not hockey.”
Trump immediately fired back on Truth Social, calling Trudeau a “total lightweight” and suggesting he couldn’t even lift a curling stone. “What kind of leader lets people slide rocks on ice? SAD!”
Future Plans: Maple Syrup and Beyond
When asked what’s next after hockey and beer, Trump hinted at “major plans” for Canada’s maple syrup reserves. “Nobody knows maple syrup like me. I’ve had pancakes with the best syrup, believe me. Once we have that, the rest of Canada will naturally follow. Peacefully! No problems, no drama. It’ll be like a very slow, very polite annexation.”
Political analysts are divided on the feasibility of Trump’s plan. Some see it as a publicity stunt, while others believe it’s a subtle way to distract from legal troubles. Meanwhile, Canadians have begun stockpiling poutine in case Trump tries to corner the cheese curd market.
As Trump wrapped up the press conference, he waved an American flag featuring a tiny maple leaf in the corner. “We’re not taking Canada,” he assured the crowd. “We’re improving it. They’ll thank us when they see how classy their hockey and beer can be. Believe me.”
Whether Canadians embrace this slow-motion takeover remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: Trump’s plan has already achieved what no one thought possible—uniting Leafs and Habs fans in mutual horror.
