Trump puts National Hockey League under federal control, cites ‘escalating violence’

President Donald Trump announced today that he is placing the National Hockey League under direct federal control. Speaking from a press conference hastily set up in a Zamboni garage in Arlington, Trump declared that “hockey violence is at an all-time high” and that only his administration can “restore safety, order, and family-friendly body checks to America’s arenas.”

Citing “Disturbing Trends” in Player Behavior

Flanked by Attorney General Pam Bondi, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, and new “Special Advisor on Slap Shots” Wayne Gretzky (who appeared deeply confused), Trump claimed that fights in hockey have reached “epic proportions.”

“Every night, I’m told, players are dropping their gloves and punching each other in the face for no reason,” Trump said. “Sometimes even before the national anthem! Folks, we’re bringing law and order to the ice.”

He added that referees “aren’t doing enough” and may soon be replaced with “special military referees” trained by the U.S. Marines.

Deploying the National Guard to the Penalty Box

Under the plan, 600 National Guardsmen will be stationed in NHL arenas nationwide to “maintain discipline and morale.” Trump said the troops will have authority to:

• Break up fights after exactly 0.5 seconds
• Escort unruly players to “secure detention penalty boxes”
• “Confiscate illegal hockey sticks,” which Trump did not define but insisted are “out there, folks — the crooked sticks”

He also promised to install surveillance drones over the ice to “catch slashing, tripping, and anybody making fun of the mascot.”

“Help the Players As Much As You Can Help”

Trump said his administration would “help” violent players by giving them “productive hobbies” like learning pottery, hedge-trimming, and “writing very nice letters to me about how I saved hockey.”

Bondi added that lenient league discipline — including suspensions that “let players sit at home watching Netflix” — would end immediately. “They won’t be doing yoga in the locker room anymore,” she said. “We’re talking military drills between periods.”

Crackdown Extends to Fans

The president also vowed to target what he called “rowdy, beer-soaked fan behavior,” including booing, chanting insults at the opposing goalie, and “waving octopuses in Detroit, which frankly should be a felony.”

Jeanine Pirro, now serving as “U.S. Attorney for Hockey,” said her prosecutors are ready. “We’ll charge you for throwing popcorn. We’ll charge you for shouting ‘Ref you suck.’ Enough is enough.”