Trump says cars should drink gas like college freshmen hit Mountain Dew
1. The Freedom To Floor It
Trump announces every American deserves the right to own a car that gets 6 mpg “like the Founders intended.” He claims John Adams drove a Ford F-150 “although it was steam-powered and ate coal like a frat guy at Wing Night.”
2. The Return of the National Car Diet
He says modern cars have “gotten too skinny” and need to bulk up. New direction: Weigh at least three tons, include cathedral ceilings, and qualify for USDA grain subsidies.
3. The MPG Rollback Calculator
Trump claims he’s inventing a new metric called MPG-ish, which counts “emotional mileage,” “vibes,” and “how loud the exhaust sounds when you rev it outside a Buffalo Wild Wings.”
4. Bring Back the Smog, Baby
He insists smog is patriotic because “you can’t complain about the government if you can’t see it.” Cities begin issuing color-coded “visibility alerts” like weather notifications.
5. Cars Powered by Pure American Spirit
He says we shouldn’t rely on electric cars, but instead cars fueled by Applebee’s nacho grease, Yankee Candle wax, and the raw enthusiasm of divorced uncles at barbecues.
6. The New Mandatory Feature: A Smoke Stack
Every sedan must now come with a decorative coal stack “so kids grow up respecting energy.” Honda releases a model that looks like a Thomas the Tank Engine fever dream.
7. His Big Pitch to Voters
“In my administration, your gas tank will never run out, because you’ll never stop filling it.” Thunderous applause from people who secretly wept when gas was $3.19.
8. The EPA’s New Job
Instead of regulating emissions, the EPA is repurposed to compliment them. Agents crouch next to exhaust pipes whispering, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie.”
9. The Marketing Campaign
Automakers start running ads like:
“This is the new 2026 Dodge Guzzle. The only truck that comes with its own oil well on a trailer.”
10. The Wildest Angle
He defends the rollback by saying it will “strengthen America’s core values,” which apparently include idling in the Arby’s drive-thru for 23 minutes and bragging about torque to a stranger who did not ask.
