Trump tariffs Pope Leo XIV: Holy see or Holy fee?

In an unprecedented move that has baffled theologians, economists, and particularly the guy selling Pope bobbleheads outside the Vatican, Donald Trump has slapped a series of tariffs on the newly elected Pope Leo XIV. Born and raised in the heart of Chicago, Pope Leo XIV is known for his thick accent, love of deep-dish pizza, and ability to call Bulls games with more enthusiasm than the entire United Center. But now he’s learning that his papal robes come with an unexpected surcharge—Trump’s new “Faith and Trade Act.”

A new kind of holy watermark

Trump’s reasoning for the tariffs was, as he described it, “very simple, the simplest, really.” According to his statement from Mar-a-Lago, which was written on the back of a golf scorecard, he explained, “Look, the Vatican? Beautiful place. Great place. Gold everywhere. More gold than Fort Knox! And it’s all imported. Importing faith—nobody talks about that. Well, I’m talking about it now.”

The tariff includes a 15% surcharge on holy water, which Trump described as “wet, very wet,” a 20% duty on papal garments (“I don’t know if you’ve seen those robes—they’re huge! Huge robes! Very expensive!”), and a 25% tax on Vatican collectibles like rosaries and saintly medallions. “I’m making sainthood profitable again,” he declared, as a choir of confused altar boys looked on via Zoom.

Pope Leo XIV — a sermon and a slice

Pope Leo XIV, true to his Chicago roots, responded swiftly. Standing in front of St. Peter’s Basilica, wearing a Bulls jersey under his cassock, he addressed the crowd in both English and perfect Chicagoan: “Let me tell ya, this guy’s trying to charge me extra for blessin’ people? I’ll be hearin’ confessions on the South Side before I pay that kinda markup.”

He then held up a slice of Lou Malnati’s deep-dish and declared, “First, they came for our pizza. Now, they come for our faith. Not on my watch!” Pilgrims in the crowd nodded in solidarity while a group of nuns pulled out homemade signs that read, “No Tariffs on the Almighty!” and “God’s Grace is Duty-Free!”

The gold-plated rosary initiative

Unfazed by the Pope’s response, Trump announced plans to negotiate directly with the Vatican for exclusive rights to distribute “Trump Rosaries,” which feature gold-plated beads and an emergency button that tweets directly to Truth Social. “People are saying it’s the best rosary. It’s a tremendous rosary. You can pray and post at the same time,” he explained, suggesting that Pope Leo consider “modernizing the faith.”

When asked for his response, Pope Leo XIV shrugged, took another bite of his pizza, and muttered, “If this guy thinks he can tax grace, he’s in for one heck of a confession.”

Vatican retaliation — a tariff on golf balls

In a surprise twist, the Vatican hinted at a counter-tariff on American golf balls, with an additional surcharge on any balls inscribed with “MAGA.” Papal spokesperson Sister Mary Francis explained, “If he wants to tariff our sacraments, we’ll start with his 9-iron.”

At the announcement, Pope Leo XIV gave a wink and slid on a pair of aviator sunglasses. “Sometimes,” he said, “you gotta fight fire with holy fire.”