Trump To Use WWE Wrestlers to Maintain Order at White House Press Conferences

With increasing tensions at White House press conferences, including a contentious interaction between President Trump and CNN’s Jim Acosta that resulted in Acosta being banned, the White House today announced a new protocol called Wrestling Security Service.

The WSS division will use stars from World Wrestling Entertainment to maintain order at all White House press conferences. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained: “The fake media, led by rabble-rousers like Jim Acosta, are threatening the safety and security of our press conferences with outrageous behavior. John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, and AJ Styles, among other stars will police the proceedings from now on. If any of the fake press, led by CNN and other phony baloney organizations get froggy, these guys will take care of them.”

Asked what “take care of them,” meant, Sanders replied, “Look, if you didn’t grow up with proper manners, I can’t help you now. If you get out of line in a press conference, look forward to Roman Reigns giving you the Spear, or Brock Lesnar pulling an F-5 on you, God help your soul. Wait until John Cena hits you with his patented Attitude Adjustment or The Undertaker introduces you to Hell’s Gate, a devastating move which cuts off the blood flow to your cerebral cortex.”

Reporters asked if the new WSS security approach might unnecessarily injure reporters who are performing a vital role in society, Sanders said, “It could happen. We can’t control that. If someone gets hurt, they probably deserved it. You know they probably have acted out of line before, maybe at a city council meeting in Hagerstown or somewhere like that when they started their career. If there are injuries, it’s probably just karma.”