Watts up, San Diego? The unwitting philanthropist
In the sun-drenched, avocado-toast-loving city of San Diego, a tale unfolds that’s so absurd, it could only be true in the land where people willingly pay $7 for a gallon of gas. Meet Jane Lettherebelight. Jane, a seemingly average woman with an above-average love for streaming services and air conditioning, discovered she had been unwittingly footing the bill for her entire apartment building’s utilities for two years. Yes, you read that right. Two. Whole. Years.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, let’s get one thing straight: Jane is no millionaire philanthropist. She’s just your garden-variety San Diegan who enjoys the simple pleasures of life, like finding a parking spot at the beach on a weekend or a burrito that doesn’t cost as much as a small island. So, how did she end up bankrolling her neighbors’ Netflix binges and electric car charging sessions?
It all started when Jane, in a moment of what can only be described as divine optimism, decided to actually read her utility bill. You know, instead of just blindly paying the amount due like the rest of us mortals. As she perused the charges, a number caught her eye—a number so high, it could only be described as “astronomical” or perhaps “a typo.” But no, there it was, in cold, hard print. Jane was paying enough to power a small country, or at the very least, a moderately sized apartment complex.
Cue the detective work. Jane, channeling her inner Sherlock Holmes (if Sherlock had a penchant for yoga pants and iced lattes), embarked on a quest to uncover the truth. She interrogated her neighbors, cross-examined the mailman, and even went undercover to the utility company’s customer service department (disguised as a mild-mannered citizen simply seeking “clarification”).
What she discovered was a comedy of errors that would make even Kafka chuckle. Due to a clerical error so baffling it could only be the result of a Friday afternoon at the utility company, Jane’s account had been linked to the entire building. Every flick of a switch, every blast of an AC unit, every midnight snack illuminated by the fridge light—it was all on Jane’s tab.
The neighbors were aghast. “I thought my electric bill was suspiciously low,” said one, sheepishly. “I just assumed it was because I switched to LED bulbs.” Another added, “I wondered why I never got a bill. I just thought the utility company finally recognized my efforts to conserve energy.”
What did her dog think?
Let’s not forget about the most unflappable character in our tale, Buster, Jane’s loyal canine companion. Buster, a dog of simple tastes and few words, had his own take on the situation. If Buster could talk, his thoughts might go something like this:
“Human seemed more stressed than usual. Noticed fewer belly rubs, more staring at papers with furrowed brow. I offered my best support—consistent presence at feet and occasional sympathetic head tilt. Did not understand the problem, but sensed it involved the magic box that makes the room cooler. I approve of the magic box.”
On the day Jane discovered the billing blunder, Buster was there, as always, watching with a mix of curiosity and mild concern for the sudden spike in human activity. “Human danced around the living room today. Said something about ‘not paying for everyone’s electricity anymore.’ I have no idea what electricity is, but if it means more treats for me because human is happy, I support it.”
In Buster’s eyes, the whole ordeal was a series of unusual but welcome events that led to more attention, extra treats, and a happy human. “In the end, human seems happier. Less staring at papers, more walks for me. All is well. I still don’t know what a utility bill is, but as long as it doesn’t interfere with my meal times, we’re good.”
What she could have powered
Given the gargantuan size of Jane’s utility bill, one might wonder what feats of engineering or splendors of extravagance she could have powered instead.
Imagine, if you will, Jane sitting at her kitchen table, the dreaded utility bill in hand. But instead of despair, a spark of mischief lights up her eyes. “If I’m unwittingly funding the energy consumption of an entire apartment complex,” she muses, “what’s stopping me from powering something truly outlandish? Like, say, a rocket?”
First, let’s consider the energy required to launch a rocket. The Space Shuttle, for instance, burned through roughly 835,958 gallons of liquid propellant, plus another 192,000 gallons of liquid oxygen, for its liftoff and ascent. Converting this into an energy equivalent (and glossing over the myriad complexities of chemical energy, thrust, and the sheer audacity of space travel), we’re talking about an astronomical amount of power.
Now, back to Jane. With the amount she was inadvertently shelling out, could she have launched her own personal satellite, or perhaps taken a joyride to the edge of the stratosphere? In the realm of make-believe and hyperbole, absolutely. Jane could have been the unwitting patron saint of backyard rocketeers and amateur astronauts everywhere.
Picture this: Jane, donning a makeshift astronaut helmet (a modified motorcycle helmet with glitter stickers, naturally), standing beside a towering rocket in her backyard. Neighbors peer over the fence, not sure if they’re witnessing the birth of a new space age or the most elaborate neighborhood barbecue ever conceived.
“Today, we reach for the stars,” Jane declares, holding a remote control aloft (it’s actually the garage door opener, but we’re rolling with it). “Not because it’s easy, but because I’ve apparently been paying enough to power a small space program.”
With a dramatic press of the button, the rocket roars to life, a testament to human ingenuity, the power of unchecked utility bills, and the enduring spirit of adventure. As it ascends, leaving a trail of awe and slightly singed grass in its wake, Jane watches with a mix of pride and bemusement.
“Next month,” she vows, turning to Buster, who’s sporting his own tiny astronaut helmet, “we’re aiming for Mars. Or maybe just switching to solar panels. We’ll see how the budget looks.”
Other powerful ideas
With the gargantuan utility bill that Jane found herself unwittingly footing, the possibilities for what she could have powered, had she been doing so intentionally, stretch the imagination to its most whimsical corners. Let’s consider what else Jane’s inadvertent generosity could have set in motion:
A Small Amusement Park: Imagine the lights, the Ferris wheel, and the cotton candy machines all whirring to life under the auspices of Jane’s utility bill. Children laughing, music blaring from the carousel, and the endless popping of popcorn machines could all have been her unintentional treat to the community.
A Local Indie Movie Theater: In an era where streaming reigns supreme, Jane could have single-handedly kept the magic of the silver screen alive, powering projectors and popcorn machines alike, offering a haven for cinephiles and casual movie-goers to escape the mundane.
A Neighborhood Arcade: The blinking lights and electronic sounds of a bygone era could have found a modern benefactor in Jane. Her bill could have kept the joysticks jostling and the pinball machines pinging from dawn till dusk, offering a pixelated paradise for gamers of all ages.
A High School Science Lab: Ever dreamt of powering Frankenstein-esque experiments? Jane’s utility bill could have been the spark that ignited young minds, fueling Tesla coils, powering microscopes, and keeping Bunsen burners aflame, all in the name of education and scientific discovery.
A Community Workshop: From woodworkers’ saws to potters’ wheels, Jane’s inadvertent investment could have powered the dreams of local artisans and hobbyists, turning raw materials into works of art and fostering a community of creators and makers.
The neighbors could have run with it
What about the neighbors? Did they take advantage? If Jane’s neighbors were less innocent bystanders and more opportunistic schemers, the plot thickens, and the shenanigans escalate. Here’s a peek into the capers and crimes they might have pulled off, all under the guise of Jane’s skyrocketing utility bill:
The Great Hot Tub Heist: One neighbor, realizing the power was all-you-can-use, installs a massive hot tub on their balcony. It’s not just any hot tub, though; it’s the kind you’d expect to find in a celebrity’s mansion, complete with LED lights and a built-in sound system. Neighborhood lore speaks of clandestine midnight parties where the bubbles never stop, and the electricity meter spins like a top.
Operation Greenhouse Galaxy: Another green-thumbed resident converts their entire apartment into an indoor greenhouse. With grow lights blazing day and night, they cultivate an exotic jungle of rare orchids and carnivorous plants. The electricity usage is astronomical, but so are the blooms that now festoon their living quarters, turning it into a botanical wonderland that would make even the most seasoned horticulturist green with envy.
The Laundry Loophole: A clever tenant, tired of hoarding quarters for the communal laundry machines, rigs an elaborate setup to power their own industrial-grade washer and dryer. Clothes, sheets, and even the occasional rug from the entire building find their way into this illicit laundry service, operating under the cover of night. The operation is so smooth, so efficient, that whispers of its existence are spoken in hushed tones, lest the utility company catch wind.
Cinema Paradiso Project: A film buff in the building, frustrated by the small screens and high prices of movie theaters, converts their living room into a full-blown cinema. With a state-of-the-art projector and a sound system that rivals IMAX, they host nightly movie screenings. Popcorn is, of course, complimentary, popped in an industrial popcorn maker that lights up the night and the hearts of cinephiles in the vicinity.
The Arcade Anomaly: Nostalgic for the arcades of their youth, one resident amasses a collection of vintage arcade machines. Pac-Man, Space Invaders, and Donkey Kong light up their apartment, drawing in neighbors with the siren song of 8-bit music. The electricity these machines consume is no joke, but in this alternate reality, it’s all part of the game.
The Ice Cream Incident: In the most deliciously devious plot of all, a resident with a sweet tooth and a dream installs an industrial ice cream maker. Word spreads quickly, and soon, a nightly queue forms, with neighbors eagerly awaiting their scoop of the day. Flavors range from the classic to the bizarre, all churned under the cover of Jane’s unwitting utility sponsorship.
The Midnight Laundry Service: One neighbor, let’s call him “Sneaky Pete,” sees an opportunity in the endless supply of power and water. He starts a clandestine midnight laundry service, washing clothes for the entire neighborhood under the cover of darkness. Clotheslines in secret locations are laden with garments by night, all mysteriously clean by morning.
The Underground Greenhouse: Another enterprising soul, “Green Thumb Gloria,” utilizes the excessive electricity to power an elaborate underground greenhouse. Exotic fruits and vegetables flourish out of season, and her “farm-to-table” operation becomes the talk of the town, all while baffling local botanists with her off-season produce.
The Bootleg Cinema: “Cinema Steve” converts his apartment into a bootleg movie theater, complete with a high-powered projector and surround sound system that rivals the local cinema. Charging a modest fee for entry, he screens movies that are suspiciously still in theaters, offering popcorn and refreshments at a “competitive” price.
The 24/7 Gaming Marathon: A group of college students, known collectively as “The Gamers,” take advantage of the situation to host a never-ending gaming marathon. Their apartment becomes a beacon for gamers far and wide, with consoles, PCs, and VR setups running day and night, breaking records and possibly several local noise ordinances.
The DIY Metal Workshop: “Crafty Carl,” with dreams of becoming a modern-day blacksmith, sets up a metal workshop in his garage. Powered tools, forges, and smelters run non-stop as he hammers away into the wee hours, creating everything from bespoke jewelry to custom swords, all under the guise of “artistic expression.”
The Secret Spa: Lastly, “Spa Sally” transforms her apartment into a secret spa retreat, complete with a sauna, hot tub, and an array of electric massage chairs. Offering “exclusive memberships” to a select clientele, she provides a sanctuary of relaxation, powered entirely by Jane’s unwitting generosity.
In this world of unchecked ambition and creative exploitation, Jane’s utility bill becomes the stuff of legends, fueling a micro-economy of neighborhood enterprises, each more audacious than the last.
In the end, Jane was reimbursed for her unintended generosity, and the utility company corrected the mistake, chalking it up to a “rare oversight.” Jane, ever the optimist, took it all in stride. She even threw a building-wide “It’s Not on Jane Anymore” party, featuring a cake decorated like a utility bill (in edible ink, of course).
