Middletown Ohio Initiates Laser Program To Stop Traffic Light Scofflaws

Middletown Ohio Initiates Laser Program To Stop Traffic Light Scofflaws

14793092013_bd6690257b_o----image courtesy boston public libarary via fc-traffic-police-ticket-motorcyle-cop-violation
Image Courtesy Boston Public Library via Flickr Commons

 

Middletown, Ohio recently deactivated their red light traffic cameras at intersections around the city in order to bring the town a new system.

“There’s been some confusion,” said the mayor of the town. “Some people thought our automated red light cameras were illegal. That’s not it at all. The red light cameras are legal, they’re just not very efficient. We had the same motorists breaking the same laws over and over.”

Rather than issue citations to repeat offenders, the new procedure is that the license plates of repeat offenders will be kept in a image database at the State. When the computer determines that an offender has once again made the same traffic violation, high-powered lasers will fire from the top of the traffic lights, sending a high-powered beam at the automobile.

Once the beam reaches its highest intensity, the car will be rendered useless. At the same time, the intense focus of the laser will make the driver drowsy. With the car rendered inoperable, and the driver as well, the laser will then send a message to the nearest police officer to arrest the driver and tow their car to the nearest impound lot.

“This is the safest method we came up with to deal with repeat offenders,” explained the mayor. “The laser renders both the automobile and the driver completely inoperable. We will tow the car to the nearest impound lot, and make the arrangements to sell it. The driver will be taken to the local police station, booked and given time to sleep off the effects of the laser. Once they are back to normal, we will issue them a bicycle instead of a car because clearly they cannot use an automobile like a responsible adult. For winter, the bicycles will be issued special snow tires so that people don’t have to miss work, church or family obligations due to inclement weather.”

The lasers are currently being tested throughout the Middletown, Ohio area. They will be in full operation beginning in May. There will be no opportunity for residents to voice concerns about the system at the local city Council meetings.

“We find that the people raising the biggest questions and concerns about the laser program are also the biggest suspects in terms of traffic violations,” said the mayor. “We have decided not to allow anyone to give us feedback on the system. Rather, we look forward to having the opportunity to remove these complainers and anarchists from behind the wheel, and put them on the seat of a bike where the exercise will hopefully remove some of the desire to break the law and constantly complain.”

 

m4s0n501
2722108293_e713c07eba_o----jack barrett and Barnum-1910-short-tall-loc via fc

Discrimination in the Short North

media.blubrry.com/joeditzelhassomeproblems/p/joeditzel.com/wp-content/uploads/problemspodcast/Discrimination_In_The_Short_North.mp3 Podcast: Play in new window | Download The Short North neighborhood in Columbus, Ohio is politically incorrect and insensitive. Why are they limiting this area to people with a height of 5 feet tall and under? Visitors from out of town will naturally assume that the Short North side is only for shorter people […]

14569765059_2bda7aea95_o----bell telephone magazine 1922- singer-music-musician-guitar-conductor-horn-900w

The Most Successful American Idol Contestant Of All Time

media.blubrry.com/joeditzelhassomeproblems/p/joeditzel.com/wp-content/uploads/problemspodcast/The_Most_Successful_American_Idol_Contestant_Of_All_Time.mp3 Podcast: Play in new window | Download According to Forbes, these are the most successful American Idol alumni in terms of units sold: 1. Carrie Underwood – 14.7 million albums sold 2. Kelly Clarkson – 12.9 million albums sold 3. Chris Daughtry – 6.8 million albums sold 4. Clay Aiken – 5 million albums […]

cincinnati- image_038-the burnetthouse

10 Things You Should Know To Get The Most Out of Your Visit To Cincinnati

1. Local residents are called Cinseers. This is due to the city being settled by psychics and gypsies in 1788. 2. The annual Procter & Gamble Riverfest features thousands of floats on the Ohio River displaying the latest products of the manufacturing giant. 3. Cincinnati is home to several major league sports teams including the […]

11071453793_76ed195cb0_o----1866-courtesy-the-british-library-crop-900w

Producer Fired From “The View” After Heated Words With Rosie

  News reports today say a longtime “The View” producer was fired after getting in shouting matches with one of the stars of the show, Rosie O’Donnell, before Ms. O’Donnell left the show earlier this year to be with her family. Apparently, there was ongoing tension between the two that finally bubbled into a shouting […]

14576451250_91c385d9ae_o----cow-cattle-internet-archive-1910-900w

Facebook Removes “Feeling Fat” Status

Facebook recently removed the “feeling fat” status from their platform. For those unaware, the status was one selection of several available from a pull-down menu. Some people said this status was a form of fat-shaming. Frankly, I’m glad it’s gone. That means there is now room for some new status updates I would actually use. […]

20150308143422-winter-spring-snow-slush-sidewalk-750w

Woman Freezes Up When Trying to Decide What Boots To Wear

Sally stood in front of the back hall racks where her various winter footwear stood patiently waiting. “First day over 50 degrees in 3 months,” she said to her dog Pip who sat on the ground over near the register. “I don’t know what to wear.” “Should I wear tennis shoes with a light grip […]

scene00856-golfer at driving range with head

Golfer Moves Into Driving Range Shed

media.blubrry.com/joeditzelhassomeproblems/p/joeditzel.com/wp-content/uploads/problemspodcast/Golfer_Moves_Into_Driving_Range_Shed.mp3 Podcast: Play in new window | Download   A local golfer spent so much time at the driving range he decided to move in. The man was found in a little used shed which he had wired with electricity and plumbing. “He said he came to the driving range to get some time away […]