Eagles Fans Punch Police Horses – Twice in One Week

Philadelphia fans were understandably excited to face the Minnesota Vikings for a chance to appear in the 2018 Super Bowl to lose to the Patriots.

Some fans were too excited.

Yahoo Sports reported: “You would assume that fans punching police horses wouldn’t happen that often, either. An Eagles fan was arrested a week ago for doing just that, and any sane person could assume it was a onetime thing that would in no way repeat itself, at least not soon. How wrong we all were. Because in the parking lot of the Linc at 3:15 p.m. on Sunday, three hours before the game would even start, another man was arrested for punching a police horse in the face.”

But hold on to your officially-licensed NFL team gear.

It gets worse.

After the second horse-punching incident, strange reports came in from around the Philly area:

  • A man was seen riding an African Lion at the Philadelphia Zoo, yelling, “Remember 39! Remember 39!,” a reference to the Eagles 24-21 loss to the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX in 2004.
  • A young woman was arrested after boxing the ears of a monkey at a pet store at the Schuylkill River Mall. After taunting the monkey with odd slurrings such as “Where’s your Case Keenum now, my pretty?”, she ran through the mall and crashed into a Sunglass Hut display.
  • A group of fans terrorized a gaggle of geese near the stadium, sending feathers flying as they ran towards them, beer spit flying from their mouths, yelling, “Foles! Foles! Foles! Yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!”

Philadelphia mayor Jim Kenney took to the airwaves and social media channels later in the day, asking the city to remain calm in the giddy face of inexplicable victory, and asked them to stop throwing eggs at neighborhood cats.

Critical Offices That Will Stay Open During the 2018 Government Shutdown

The FBI, Post Office and air traffic controllers will all continue to work during the government shutdown. Some of the other important offices that will work through the crisis include the following.

Office of The President’s Weight Obfuscation

It’s vital the public think of the President as slim and trim. These professional public relations pros make sure the President’s height and weight are reported accurately at 6 foot-7 inches and 175 pounds. Reporters questioning these stats are put to work in the Post Office shredding unopened, undelivered letters to Santa.

Office of Foreign Country Assessment

This department ranks each country in the world, then labels them as a S-hole or not a S-hole. The list is updated daily and given to the President to review while eating his morning cheeseburger.

Office to Cut Bloated Regulations

To continue the administration’s gains in cutting regulations that are strangling the country’s growth, this office will announce the easing of food safety controls related to milk and milk products. Milk will be allowed to be sold up to 6 months on the shelf at your local supermarket, as long as after 1 week it is relabeled as carburetor cleaner.

Tattoos Made From Motorcycle Exhaust

Bored with the same old tats? Now you can get a tattoo made from motorcycle exhaust. Cool! But how do you compete with that? Don’t worry, impress your buddies even more spectacular skin ink.

Nuclear Reactor Waste

You’ll be the talk of the motorcycle gang when you roll up your sleeve and show off a tattoo of your mother that is glowing like an airplane landing strip beacon.

Jet Fuel

You’ll never run out of gas on your bike again. Because if you do, all you have to do is squeeze your tattoo made from jet fuel and wring it in your tank. Time for takeoff!

Cooking Grease

Let’s say you are on a long ride from your home base to extract your homie who is being held by a rival motorcycle gang. If you get hungry on the way, just move your arm up and lick your tattoo made from cooking grease. Um-mmm, that’s tasty.

3 Reasons Your Diet is Failing You

Diets are hit and miss. And sometimes you can’t tell why they aren’t working. Here are three things to look for.

Not Drinking Enough Water

If you don’t drink enough water, your metabolism slows and kills fat burning. Carrying around a water bottle all day probably won’t do it. You want to get a part time job for a water bottle company and drive the truck to work, shopping, and fun activities. After every stop, down one of those giant jugs of water in the back. You may also want to add a bathroom on the truck as well.

Sneaking Calories

Are you taking sips of a Frappacino on the way to work, or sneaking potato chips from under your desk? My friend, those calories add up quick. Try handcuffing your wrists behind your back. You’ll reduce the amount of empty calories going in your mouth by 100 percent. You’ll have to learn to drive facing backwards, using your toes to touch the gas and brakes, but you will look better almost immediately.

Skipping Breakfast

Breakfast literally means, “break fast,” which was the term used during prison escapes when they had to run for the outer fence and cut it with pliers made from two kitchen knives tied together. If you are skipping breakfast, you make it hard for your body to get started again. Think of your metabolism like a car. After sitting still, you want to get it revving again by eating, well, anything: pancakes, scrambled eggs, leftover pizza, or those expensive cinnamon rolls in the back of the freezer you froze two days ago “for a future treat.”

3 Cryptocurrencies The Internet Should Go Wild About

The total market cap of all cryptocurrencies is nearing  $500 billion at this writing, up from only a few billion last year. The world has gone wild for cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Litecoin and Dogecoin. Here are three more that should take center stage soon.

NewEnglandPatriotCoin

This cryptocurrency is targeted directly at lovers AND haters of the iconic New England Patriots. Lovers will appreciate the gleaming face of Tom Brady on the graphic image developed for the coin. Haters will like this feature: every time the Patriots are caught cheating, the value of the total PatriotCoin asset is cut by 20 percent.

LATrafficereum

Issued to commuters in Los Angeles, LATrafficereum is designed to appeal to weary drivers who spend up to four hours a day in their car. It can only be used at drive-through windows including Starbucks, McDonald’s and designated liquor stores.

TrumpTaxCutCoin

This fast-growing cryptocurrency reverses the actions of the recently lauded Trump tax cut. Every time a wealthy individual claims a deduction under the new Trump tax cut plan, that money is automatically redirected to TrumpTaxCutCoin, which is then distributed to middle-class and poor citizens who paid for the original tax cuts in the first place.

 

How to Ghost Your First Job

Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.

Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.

Lunch Anyone

It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.

Hide In Closet

If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.

Fake Your Death

If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.