Comfort Food Crimes

A man in Maryland is being charged with stabbing a coworker he says ate one of his meatballs. There has been a rash of “comfort food” crimes.

The meatball stabbing follows a similar incident earlier this year when a man in Iowa started arguing with his brother about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

And late last year, a guy in Florida was accused of stabbing his brother for allegedly taking his macaroni and cheese.

Comfort food manufacturers are ahead of the game. We are seeing increasing security around pizza, mac and cheese, french fries, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chicken soup and more.

For example, Pizza Hut announced each pizza will now be delivered in boxes marked with the words “Leftover Vegetables.”

“If people don’t think you have a pizza, they won’t steal it out of the fridge,” said Lucian Neo. a company spokesman.

“Our studies show people put vegetables in the fridge when they feel like they need to eat healthier. Then they never look at the vegetables ever again until they throw them out. Our new “Leftover Vegetables” box will discourage thieves from ripping off your pizza because no one will ever open the box.”

At Kraft, scientists have come up with small digital screens that sit on the table and wrap around your food in a semicircle. While you are eating your mac and cheese, the screen shows a digital projection of you eating ramen noodles.

“No one is going to steal ramen noodles from you,” said Josalind Gustav, a scientist with the project–she is the one who came up with the original design.

McDonald’s is being more aggressive. Each french fry will now be digitally matched to each individual. If someone steals your fries and starts to eat one, the fries turn into earthworms.

“The digital signature is amazing technology,” said Vinnie Kalish, the McDonald’s food technician who came up with the plan. “We are taking a stand for our customers against fry thieves. We are confident our earthworm strategy will dissuade them.”

The FBI and Department of Homeland Security are hopeful these new methods will reduce the growing incidents of Comfort Food Crime around the country.


About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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