3 Ways to Make Your Friends in Cold Climates Angry

Why pay for the privilege of living in Boca Raton, Corpus Christi or San Diego if you can’t rub it in the faces of your friends and relatives in Detroit and Montreal?

Box of Sunshine

Send an empty box to them around December 10th. Write “I’ve boxed up some sunshine from Clearwater, Florida for you to enjoy in Saskatoon. Use sparingly to last the winter.”

Instagram Slam

As soon as snow falls in the cold climate, begin posting pictures of you on the beach every 23 seconds on Instagram. Bonus points if you include the family dog wearing a funny sun hat and sunglasses.

Condolence Email

Try this email: “Dear Relative or Friend, It has come to my attention your family still lives in Boston (Chicago, New York City, wherever). Our deepest sympathies. We always enjoyed you folks, and will miss you here in sun-splashed Santa Barbara (Delray Beach, Destin, Yucatan, etc).”

 

Woman Found In House Sobbing and Screaming “Winter Will Never End!”

2576211546_8ec033670c_o----1888 Keene Public Library - winter snow storm blizzard
Courtesy Keene Public Library via Flickr Commons

 

An Ohio woman in Cleveland’s “Snow Belt” east of town was arrested today after police found her shooting a gun out of a front window at nearby snowbanks, crying and screeching over and over, “Winter will never end! Winter will never end!” She was placed on a protective hold in a local mental facility until her trial comes up in June.

“Honestly, we could have scheduled the trial in March,” the judge said. “But we didn’t want to take the chance she would see snow and freak out.”

“Late February in Ohio has the highest incidence of winter-related breakdowns than any other time,” said the police chief. “We get more calls in those two weeks than the rest of the year. People start to snap due to the constant snowfall, frigid temperatures and endless days of grey, overcast skies. That and they live in Cleveland.”