Rest and Drink Plenty of Fluids

I’m sick. My doctor says to rest and drink plenty of fluids. Sounds good, doc, and I’m sure I could get hours of restful sleep if I wasn’t sick.

As it is, I can’t get any sleep at all because every muscle, bone, ligament and sinew in my body aches with the flu.

Sure, I lay there, reading my phone, hoping the sweet lull of sleep comes to call. But the siren song is interrupted.

Just as I am drifting off, I feel a convulsion in my chest, and begin dry coughing for five minutes.

I give it another attempt, and then feel a sharp pain in my lower back because I’ve been sleeping in the same position trying to fall asleep for the last 17 hours.

Oh, restful sleep, where art thou?

I attempt to watch some TV to induce sleep, only to suffer through migraine headaches caused by daytime TV and C-SPAN.

If you can’t fall asleep to C-SPAN, you have very little hope.

Perhaps if I flipped over onto my stomach, sleep would come easier.

I turned over onto my stomach only to realize my face was buried in the pillow and I couldn’t breathe.

I scrunched up the pillow so that my chin was propped up and there was a space below my mouth for breathing.

Shortly the base of my neck began to cry out in pain as it locked up.

I turned back around to sleep on my back, wheezing into the night, thinking of the restful sleep that I was not getting.

Maybe I just need to watch a movie on my Amazon prime account. Okay, good news, here’s “Mulholland Drive,” which I’ve been meaning to see for years.

Oops, it’s not included in my Amazon prime account, but I can rent or purchase it for a reasonable fee.

The last thing I need is being sick to cost me even more money than it has. Have you seen the cost of drugs?

And I never know the right combination of drugs to buy.

Should I get a decongestant and a cold medicine? Should I purchase a multivitamin, or load up on B 10? The debate is giving me a bigger headache.

It’s 3 AM now, the TV is on but I can barely hear it due to the swelling in my ears. I’ve propped up various pillows under different body parts in order to relieve the bedsores.

My breathing is labored, coming in gasps and spurts, as I fight through a combination of head cold, flu and irritable bowel syndrome.

I’d like to help you out doc and follow your prescription for rest.

But my body fights with everything it’s got in order to keep from sleeping. I think my body is afraid that if it goes to sleep to help me out, it may never wake again.

For now, I’ll give you a reasonable sum to knock me unconscious with a rubber mallet.

I Don’t Sing

My doctor and I were talking about Christmas and caroling.

Me: Yeah, someone asked me to go caroling with them.

Her: Oh, really, you are a singer?

Me: No, they just want me to go caroling.

Her: I didn’t know you were a singer.

Me: Me? No. They just want people to go caroling. We used to do that when I was a kid.

Her: You’ve been a singer since you were a kid? Wow!

Me: Yeah, I’m not a singer. Unless you count Frank Sinatra when I’m alone in the car.

Her: We need a singer like you in our church choir.

Me: See, well, I’m not a singer.

Her: I’m glad you sing. People need to sing more.

Me: Right, I don’t sing. I mean…I’m not a singer…at all…except in the car…you know…Frank Sinatra.

Her: You sing in the car to warm up?

Me: Are we done here?

Crazy People At School: Mr. Not-Doctor-Doctor

Mr. Not-Doctor-Doctor has called himself “Doctor” since the day he got his PhD in Organizational Communication or Western Culture.

In the real world, the only people that are called doctors are actual doctors. Don’t make people call you “Doctor” unless you can perform open-heart surgery. Don’t sign your emails and letters with “Doctor” unless you can take a bullet out of someone’s shoulder.

When someone passes out on the plane and the flight attendant yells, “Is anybody here a doctor?”, we don’t need you jumping in saying, “I can help organize a staff chart!”

Using a Biblical Example

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.”

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

“Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”