7 People You Meet as A Food Delivery Driver

You meet many interesting people as a food delivery courier. Here are seven.

Ms. Crazy-and-Unreasonable Request

This customer asks you to perform unusual or unreasonable tasks. “Can you do a magic trick for a tip?” they ask. Huh?

Mr. Cancel-Order-After-Getting-It

I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I believe the strategy with this guy is is to place an order, and then before the driver can close out the transaction on the app, he cancels the order with some lame excuse. Free food!

Mr. Too-Stoned-To-Answer-the-Door

Mr. Too-Stoned or Too-Drunk places the order and then falls asleep. You stand outside pounding on the door. I try to get them awake by yelling, “Chad, get up! The zombies are coming!

Too-Cheap-to-Tip-and-Doesn’t-Want-To-Face-the-Driver Lady

She won’t tip but doesn’t want to face you. She writes comments like “Leave bag in the door” or “Leave it on the porch and leave.” Or she cracks the door and sticks out only her hand, or tries to look distracted by pretending she is on the phone or dealing with a baby.

10 Dumb Jokes Alexa Told Me

Alexa is an amazing device. I get news, music, and podcasts instantly. So why do I spend way too much time asking for it to tell me a joke or make a farting sound? Sounds like a personal problem. Anyhoo, here are some dumb jokes Alexa told me.

Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What did the square say to the circle?
You are pointless.

What was George Washington’s favorite picnic food?
His Uncle’s Ham.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you might as well barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

A Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They are always plotting something.

What do you call an American Revolutionary who draws cartoons?
Yankee Doodler.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

Aging Joke: Ladies In Waiting

Two elderly ladies had been friends since they were kids. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a month to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, “You know, we’ve been friends forever, and please don’t get mad, but I can’t remember your name. What is it, again?”

Her friend glared at her. She continued to stare for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Chain

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn’t in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.

Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, “”Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” Chuck replied, “yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?”

“Did you happen to hook your tee shot?” the policeman asked.

“Yes, I did,” replied Chuck.

“Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?” the policeman asked.

“Why, yes, it did,” said Chuck. “Why are you asking me these questions?”

The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: “Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. That driver’s car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!”

The policeman’s voice was rising with consternation. “The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!”

The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. “What do you think you should do about all this?” he finally asked Chuck.

Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.

“Well,” Chuck said, “I think I’ll try opening my stance a little.”

Holy – Golf Joke

One Sunday morning, a Priest looks out his window at a beautiful, sunny day. Although he knows that it’s his responsibility to say Mass in an hour, he calls in his second, complaining of illness. He then sneaks out the back door with his golf clubs.

Up in heaven, Saint Peter and God are watching. St. Peter says to God “You can’t let that go unpunished! That Priest is giving in to temptation and not living up to his vows.”

God agrees, but as St. Peter watches, the Priest is having the round of his life. In fact, on the par 3 17th hole, the Priest hits a beautiful shot and the ball rolls into the hole, for his first ever hole-in-one.

St. Peter is very upset and says to God, “Do something! He’s having the round of his life!”

God calmly turned to St. Peter, smiled, and said “Yes, but who’s he going to tell?”

Before the Big Man

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Arnie first: “What do you believe?” Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, “What do you believe?”

Jack says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.

Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.”

God is greatly moved by Jack’s eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: “And you, Tiger, what do you believe?”

Tiger replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Press Spin

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Leafs fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again,

“Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jays fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Montreal Canadiens fan,” the boy said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Kid from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.”