Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

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Jokes
Joe Ditzel

Chain

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn’t in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.

Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, “”Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” Chuck replied, “yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?”

“Did you happen to hook your tee shot?” the policeman asked.

“Yes, I did,” replied Chuck.

“Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?” the policeman asked.

“Why, yes, it did,” said Chuck. “Why are you asking me these questions?”

The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: “Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. That driver’s car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!”

The policeman’s voice was rising with consternation. “The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!”

The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. “What do you think you should do about all this?” he finally asked Chuck.

Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.

“Well,” Chuck said, “I think I’ll try opening my stance a little.”

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

Holy – Golf Joke

One Sunday morning, a Priest looks out his window at a beautiful, sunny day. Although he knows that it’s his responsibility to say Mass in an hour, he calls in his second, complaining of illness. He then sneaks out the back door with his golf clubs.

Up in heaven, Saint Peter and God are watching. St. Peter says to God “You can’t let that go unpunished! That Priest is giving in to temptation and not living up to his vows.”

God agrees, but as St. Peter watches, the Priest is having the round of his life. In fact, on the par 3 17th hole, the Priest hits a beautiful shot and the ball rolls into the hole, for his first ever hole-in-one.

St. Peter is very upset and says to God, “Do something! He’s having the round of his life!”

God calmly turned to St. Peter, smiled, and said “Yes, but who’s he going to tell?”

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

Before the Big Man

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Arnie first: “What do you believe?” Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, “What do you believe?”

Jack says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.

Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.”

God is greatly moved by Jack’s eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: “And you, Tiger, what do you believe?”

Tiger replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

Press Spin

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again,

"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan.

What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Kid from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

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