Propeller Head

Waiting in the incredibly slow line at the big box store, I passed the time by goofing with the 3-year-old sitting in the shopping cart in front of me.

I put the Lakers hat I was buying on top of the Dodgers hat already on my head. This made the kid laugh uncontrollably, especially when I spread the visors to opposite sides, like a giant propeller on my noggin’.

I paid for the hat and propped it back on the hat on my head in order to free up a hand to show the receipt to the security guy at the door. Some of these receipt checkers go through each item carefully and seem disappointed everything is accounted for. I half expect them to say, “OK, now empty your pockets.”

Others wave you through like they could care less.

I pointed at the hat (on the other hat) on my head and he eyeballed the receipt, turning it slightly askew, as if it would reveal an item I hadn’t paid for if he tilted it. Satisfied, he let me go.

I forgot about the extra hat on my head as I walked through the mall back to my car. Kids pointed and laughed. Old ladies shook their head at me, like wearing two hats violated some city ordinance. Some people laughed and commented, “Go Lakers…and Dodgers!” or just “Nice hats!” Fashionable types turned away lest we make eye contact and I asked them for money.

I’m thinking about marketing my two-hat style. Still working on the branding. What do you think of “Double coverage?”

3 Things You Are Doing That Make Your Hair Stylist Go Insane

Ladies, you rely on your hair stylist to keep you looking attractive and sharp. Then why are you making them crazy doing these dumb things?

Don’t Know What You Want

It’s funny, but they don’t teach mind reading at hairstylist school. What did you expect? Were you waiting for your stylist to place their hands on your face like Spock and do a mind meld, instantly knowing what style you want? Hey, at least give them some idea, like, “I want to look like a blend of Nicole Kidman in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ and a young Katy Perry.”

Coming in Late

Here is what the stylist wants to say: “Hey, sleepy-head. Don’t have an alarm clock at your house? Gee, we waited and pushed our whole salon schedule to accommodate you, because you know we love you. But the next time you come in late without calling and expect us to just slide you into a chair we have set aside for your highness, save your breath. Keep on driving down to Supercuts.”

Back Seat Driver

Your stylist doesn’t sit in the back of your car and say you missed the exit and ask why you are driving so slow. So why do you sit in the chair and second guess every clip of the scissors? Look, you may be right. It could come out wrong and you look like Kesha waking up after a five day bender. On the other hand, you might emerge as the Paris Fashion Week catwalk-strutting supermodel you think you really are. Let them drive.

Hey, is that a Timex there?

Thing I learned today: John Mayer is a watch collector and has been a judge for this high-falutin’ competition called The Grand Prix d’Horlogerie de Genève.

Can you imagine the pressure on what you have on your wrist at that show?

“What kind of watch do you have there?”

“Oh, it’s a Timex.”

“Nice.”

“How about you?”

“Oh, this is nothing. It’s an Audemars Piguet ‘Royal Oak Concept Supersonnerie.'”

“What did that set you back?”

“It’s worth about $295,000.”

“Nice.”

The 7 Suits Every Man Needs

Every man needs these suits to be well-dressed and looking sharp. If you are missing one of these classics, snap it up as soon as possible.

 

The Emotional Armor

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This suit is perfect to deflect the crazy people in your life. Made of a special carbon/rayon/wool/cotton/nuclear fiber, it is made to withstand nagging and complaining up to 180db.

 

The Divorce Court

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OK, it didn’t work out. It happens, in California probably twice or three times. You still want to look good.

 

The Elegant Bowler

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Ever want to roll a few frames in the middle of the day? This suit has real bowling shoes, and a hat that turns into a ball carrier.

 

The Fake Opera Fan

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Eventually she will ask you to go to the opera with her. This suit has a deep coat pocket bit enough to carry an iPad you can use to log on to football games on the Internet.

 

The Varsity

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Made of triple-worsted wool, this warm suit has 4 flask pockets and a secret pocket for contraband.

 

The Pool Shark

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The key here is the cane that converts to a standard pool cue.

 

The Golf Reversible

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The jacket reverses into a golf jacket, and the pants have internal zippers just above the knee to convert them into golf shorts. Now all you need is an excuse to be out of the office for 5 hours.

5 Apps That Could Stop Plunging Apple Watch Sales

Apple Watch sales are in free fall. At first, everyone wanted one, but now sales have dropped tremendously. Don’t worry, Apple! I’ve devised 5 apps that will turn the tide and put these beauties back in the winners column.

Emotion Adjuster

If you ever start to slip into depression, the Emotion Adjuster app pops a gloved hand out of the Apple Watch and slaps you across the face.

Shoelace Tying App

Nothing is more boring and monotonous than constantly tying your shoes. The Shoelace Tying app only requires you to turn the Apple watch upside down on top of your shoes. Special arms protrude and tie your laces in milliseconds.

Dental Speed Washer

Another boring activity is brushing your teeth. Even with an electric toothbrush, it is mind-numbingly dull. The Dental Speed Washer app relieves you of the tedium by cleaning your teeth with microwaves. Simply move the watch over your closed mouth one time, and powerful microwave energy will clean and rejuvenate your teeth before you can say gingivitis.

Bug Blaster

You are sitting outside, enjoying warm summer weather with your family and friends, sipping a cold beverage as the sun slowly sets. Unfortunately, mosquitoes are attacking your party.

The Bug Blaster app creates an electrical fence around your group with the touch of a button. Mosquitoes cannot penetrate the force field, and it doubles as a sun shade in the daytime.

Net Worth Monitor

People who purchase an Apple watch are concerned about how they appear to their peer group. The Net Worth Monitor gives them a constant readout of their monetary net worth.

This gives them an internal boost of confidence that is only enhanced by the stylish Apple watch they overpaid for on their wrist.

 

 

Designer Creates The First Selfie Hat

A designer has teamed up with a computer manufacturer to make the first selfie hat. The hat looks a little like a mini- sombrero with a tablet in the brim that folds down like a TV screen for fast and efficient selfie taking.

I talked with the designer, Christina Cowabunga, about the hat and why the selfie is so popular.

“We came out with this hat so you can take selfies fast with out thinking about it. People love selfies and as designers we must think about how selfies can be worked into their daily lives.”

“For example, why can’t we put a selfie camera in the car so you can record embarassiing videos of you singing to your favorite songs? Why can’t we have concert selfies where you can record videos of you recording embarrassing videos of you singing the same songs at a concert. Why not a rollercoaster selfie camera that catches you on video for the entire ride, including when you threw up in the bushes next to the ride? There are so many possibilities.”

What other selfie hats are you working on?

“Coming up next we have the selfie fishing hat which also has a ruler and a place to hang lures. We have the selfie golfing hat which swivels away from the golfer so there can’t be any photo evidence of them kicking a ball out from behind a tree. And we have the selfie hockey helmet which allows hockey players to take picture of themselves as they pummel each other in hockey fights.”

Christina, what does our obsession with selfies say about us as a culture?

“It says we want all want to be a star and order little people around. And why not? Life is short. (Turns off camera). Darling, could you get me some water, and this time give it to me at exactly 55 degrees like I asked you to! One more mistake and you are out!

“Honey, do you call this fresh-squeezed orange juice? You are sqeezing my patience! I’m going to squeeze your paycheck!

“I said I wanted my shoes organized alphabetically by designer. You’ve got Yves St. Laurent before Louboutin. Don’t tell me you went to public schools. You can leave right now.”

“Listen, dear, when I asked you to walk the dogs, I didn’t mean out there on the street with all those strange people. I meant walk them around the pool until they do their business, then pick it up with your hands and dispose of it. No, we don’t have plastic bags around here. They are not safe for the environment!”

It looks like Christina is busy with some business there at her house. For me, this selfie culture has gotten way out of hand. It just shows our obsession with our own selves, and not our fellow man or woman.

Oh just a minute. (Takes selfie.)