10 Things You Never Knew About Texas
Texas is a wild and wonderful place, full of good people, great food and crazy politicians. But everybody knows that.
Here are 10 things you probably didn’t know about the Great State of Texas.
1. West Texas is situated on vast licorice reserves. American licorice companies have been quietly buying up to 87 percent of the land. At night they dig with special silent excavators to get down to the raw licorice they need to dominate world markets.
2. You’ve heard of Tex-Mex food, but the real Tex-Mex product is children’s animation. Southern Texas and Northern Mexico are the center of innovation in children’s television show production worldwide, with the first cartoon coming out in 1645. The border has moved so often since then, the animation companies fly both flags so they don’t have to worry about it.
3. Texas desperately wants to be the biggest state with the most people. For 50 years, politicians have been working on plans to annex nearby states to create a “super state” that would dwarf California. Supposedly, the incentive for the other state to join Texas was the promise of a free life-time supply of Whataburgers for their citizens.
4. Speaking of takeovers, Austin is working closely with a rebel alliance of movie producers and directors to take over movie production, financing and distribution from Hollywood. The University of Texas bequeathed 700,000 acres to the project, dubbed CowPattyWood.
5. Half of the Dallas Cowboys also play for the Dallas Stars. In a creative money-making move, owners of the Dallas Cowboys and the Dallas Stars asked dozens of players to play for both teams. The most challenging part of the arrangement is when the playing seasons overlap in the fall once hockey gets under way. To meet the brutal schedule, a shadow air force of crop-dusting planes flies players right to the door of each stadium or arena. Jerry Jones even allows the crop-dusters to fly through the roof of AT&T Stadium if the player needs to use the bathroom really bad.
6. Texas Rangers foul balls are followed in mid-air by artificial intelligence tracking beams. The data is sent to the coaches in real time who match it with player data including height, weight, batting average, marital status, type of car, preference for orange or apple juice, and degree of male pattern baldness to determine areas coaches can work on improving the player’s swing patterns.
7. West Texas spiders measure six feet in length and have been known to wrap themselves around campers sleeping in tents, slowly squeezing them to death.
8. More tornadoes touch down in the Texas Panhandle than any other place in the world. Whole towns have moved dozens of miles when picked up and hurled by tornadoes. “I don’t even give my relatives my address anymore,” said Red Tornasunder. “The whole town moves every three years, messing up the street and avenues because they get all bent out of shape, so it’s not worth it.”
9. A new commuter airline based in Dallas developed the Tornado Fling Rider. These small, specially-designed planes ride tornadoes to gain speed before disengaging to be flung to destinations around the state.
10. An international survey shows people in other countries want to visit Texas more than any other state. Asked why, the number one answer from respondents: “I want to boot scoot down at Gilley’s after thirteen Orange Fantas.”
