10 ways to relieve extreme stress
Modern life is making us all crazy. Lousy bosses, meager pay, and indifferent families add to our daily stress levels. Here are 10 ways to get to destress your life.
Listen to death metal music
Death metal is an extreme form of heavy metal music. It’s unitelligble, guttural, primal screaming. You don’t need any musical talent. Fire up your Spotify with bands like Eardrum Replacement or So Loud Blood is Coming Out of My Eyes. Just scream along with the lead singer and soon all your stress will drop like a rock.
Talk over your problems with an enemy
Well-meaning people might suggest talking over your issues with a friend. It’s better to confide in an enemy. Your enemy will not hesitate to share your problems with the world, making you face them head on. When the lady at the school ride drop-off line berates you about not speaking to your mother for 10 years, you are on your way.
Confide in yourself
Another way to de-stress is rely on yourself. Speaking to others can be constructive, but let’s be honest, they really don’t care. You, however, really care. You know this because you think about your problems all day and night, mulling them over and over as your stare at the ceiling. Instead, go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. Say, “You don’t got this, pal. You are in way over your head. But you’ve got great hair! So there’s that!”
Eat more fast food
You don’t have time to eat right. You’ve got too many problems. So forget about eating fruits and vegetables. Just get in the drive-through line and line up a stack of cheeseburgers. Pull over and eat one every ten miles until you get to New Orleans and join a jazz band.
Laugh louder
Laughing is great for stress. But you have way more stress than most people can handle. Learn to laugh much louder. Let’s say you’re in the theater watching the latest Keven Hart comedy. When everyone starts chuckling, you laugh WAY louder: “HA HA HA HA HA!” Sure, they may kick you out, but you’ll feel much better in minutes.
Increase water
Nothing brings down stress levels by increasing water. Not water intake—water over your head. Set up jugs of water on doors around your home and office. Every time you get up from the computer to get a sandwich, here comes 55 gallons of water on your head! Wahooo! This is fun!
Make exercise more dangerous
Sure, exercise helps stress. The problem is you are bored to tears. Run a few miles down the street and back. BOORRRRING! How about this: jump on your bike, ride up the side of the suspension bridge spanning the river downtown, set the wheels on fire and fly off the side. Land on a flat boat passing underneath and bounce on to the nearby shore where you head for home, your head clear and your heart pure.
Increase mindfulness
Mindfulness is simply paying attention and appreciating living in the moment. An easy method to do this is focus on a simple object, staring at it for three to four hours. Pick out a single key on your keyboard, or a single hair on your sleeping dog’s head. About two hours in you will start to hallucinate, dreaming you are living on a Hawaiian beach, completely naked except for a palm frond on your head. Wow, are you relaxed now!
Educate yourself
How much do you really know about stress? Not very much right? But you don’t know much about most things, partly because you know you can find out most information with a simple Google search, partly because your ADD prevented you from paying attention in every class since second grade. So take time to read important books about stress like, “De-stress You Life in 10 Seconds With the Gulping Air Method!” and “Stress? I Haven’t Felt This Good Since I Got Hired at Chuck E. Cheese!”
Breathe deeper
It’s true taking a deep breath helps relieve stress. But you should breathe deeper. Really pull in the good air. Then exhale while reciting slogans such as, “In with the good, out with the naughty, naughty, NAUGHTY air.”
