12 reasons I lost the election except blaming my mother for being too indulgent
- “The voters were just not ready for my bold vision for the future. And they said I looked silly in the newspaper photos of me trying to eat BBQ without looking like an idiot.
- “I was the victim of a massive conspiracy and voter fraud. The conspiracy is my underwear is too tight. I’m aging, okay, but so are you, brother.”
- “I was outspent by my opponent and couldn’t compete with their advertising. Who has the money to advertise on local TV? Do I look like a used car dealer playing guitar?”
- “I was the victim of fake news and biased media coverage. It’s fake news when they publish pictures of you trying to steal kisses from Mary in seventh grade.”
- “My opponent cheated and used underhanded tactics to win. I mean, he beat me at the hot-dog eating contest. Fake.”
- “I was the victim of voter suppression and intimidation. My own mother suppressed her vote for me and voted for him.”
- “The voters just didn’t understand my message. Free Beer seems clear to me.”
- “My opponent lied and misled the voters. Who believed him when he said he as there at the birth of Jesus? Come on!”
- “I was the victim of a coordinated attack by special interests. My kids did a walkout on me as a protest. They didn’t want to appear in any more of my TV ads.”
- “The election was rigged and the outcome was predetermined. Look, I lost by 3 million votes in a district of 40,000 people.”
- “The voters were swayed by fear and misinformation. My opponent said I was for drag shows. I said DRAG racing, dang it.”
- “I was the victim of a smear campaign by my opponent. He smeared peanut butter all over my expensive campaign signs.”
