3 Reasons Michigan Lost To Villanova in the 2018 NCAA Basketball Championship

Thank you for all the calls and letters congratulating me on my accurate prediction of a Villanova win at last night’s 2018 NCAA Basketball Championship. I detailed three reasons I believed Villanova would walk away with the crown. Now here are three reasons I feel Michigan lost the game.

Campus Size

The Michigan campus takes up the entire city of Ann Arbor. In fact, Ann Arbor’s mayor’s office is in the McDonald’s inside the Student Union building on campus. Michigan players were just too flat out tired to play basketball after walking 10 miles to class every day.

Winter Cold

Ever been to Ann Arbor in the winter? It look and feels like you walked on to the set of Dr. Zhivago, with a biting wind racing through the campus walks. Your body spends so much energy trying to heat itself, it pulls power from the brain. Michigan players couldn’t concentrate on the championship because their craniums were still warming up from walking to Communications and Debate class.

Complicated Plays

Michigan has one of the highest academic standards of any school in the United States. They love complicating the simplest things, like the Electrical Engineering professor who made a machine that looks like a jewelry buffer that cleans between your toes.  This tendency for academic complications bled into the basketball program—players couldn’t keep track of the difficult formations. On the other hand, Villanova tells players, “When you get the ball, shoot it. Even if you are in the parking lot.”