5 Best New Jobs in 2018

The working world is changing rapidly, opening up new businesses, careers and jobs. Here are the five of the best new jobs in 2018.

Loud Smartphone Talker Silencer

In this job, your job will be to monitor the halls, elevators and common areas of your company, looking for people talking extra loud on their smartphone. Armed with tasers, paint-ball guns, a rubber mallet and duct tape, you’ll take down the rude talker, making sure they never bother other people again.

Republican Double-Speak Translator

Sometimes—scratch that, almost all the time—it is hard to understand what Republicans are saying. As a double-speak translator, you’ll help corporate clients, staff and external stakeholders understand what Republicans are trying to say in town hall meetings, official news releases and interviews.

Personal Address Book Consolidator

Busy executives often don’t have time to manage their personal lives. Often they end up with one set of personal contact information on their smartphone, another on a work computer and yet another on their iPad or laptop. Your job is to consolidate hundreds, possibly thousands of shreds of half-written phone numbers, misspelled addresses and vague notes (“Ted is her second son. He likes to Frisbee.”) and put them into one, powerful database accessible on every device.

Security Gate Lifter

Sure, the company spent $15,000,000 on new security equipment. But, of course, the security gate on the employee exit NEVER works, no matter how many times employees scan their cards. As a security gate lifter, you’ll spend 8 hours a day lifting the gate with gloved hands, placing it back gently for the next car. Don’t worry, your job is safe. They will never fix it properly.

Friday Casual Day Dress Code Enforcer

Finally! Many companies are finally instituting Friday casual day dress codes, or as they say in Florida, every day dress codes. Well, welcome to the modern era, friends. The good news is these firms need someone to enforce the rules. You’ll be responsible for throwing a net over every dufus who takes “casual” too far, strolling in Friday morning wearing any manner of torn jeans, short shorts, Pantera t-shirts, hoop earrings a lion could jump through, sandals with black socks and a variety of dirty trucker hats that say, “Beer Lover” or “Kiss the Cook.”