5 worst hospitals in Omaha
Welcome to my tour of Omaha‘s most absurdly terrible hospitals, where the only thing that spreads faster than germs is the expanding trash bins that never get emptied. Each of these hospitals has its own unique brand of medical misadventure, so let’s dive in with our hazmat suits on!
1. Dr. Quackenbush’s Questionable Clinic
From the moment you walk into Dr. Quackenbush’s Questionable Clinic, you’re greeted by the sound of rubber ducks – the doctor’s favorite diagnostic tool. Dr. Quackenbush, a self-proclaimed wizard of wellness, believes that every ailment from the common cold to a broken leg can be cured with a hearty laugh and a pat on the back (actual treatment, however, might be lacking).
Historical Highlight: In 2017, the clinic mistakenly hosted a stand-up comedy night in the ER. Patients were left both amused and confused, as comedians roamed the halls, mistaking IV stands for microphones.
2. St. Misery’s Medical Center
St. Misery’s Medical Center is renowned for its maze-like corridors, where you’re more likely to find a minotaur than your actual doctor. The staff, perpetually playing catch-up with their own hospital layout, often provide directions like, “Take a left at the third vending machine, not to be confused with the fourth, which is haunted.”
Historical Highlight: In 2018, a patient went in for a routine check-up and accidentally discovered a forgotten wing of the hospital from the 1950s, complete with a fully stocked, albeit dusty, soda fountain.
3. Haphazard Heights Hospital
At Haphazard Heights, the name says it all. This hospital is the embodiment of chaos, where the intercom system perpetually plays a loop of polka music, believed to lift spirits (or at least confuse them enough to forget their ailments). The medical staff, dressed in costumes rather than scrubs, take “laughter is the best medicine” a bit too literally.
Historical Highlight: The Great Jello Mix-Up of 2019, where the kitchen accidentally swapped meal trays with specimen samples, leading to some colorful, if not particularly appetizing, dishes being served.
4. General Disarray General Hospital
General Disarray General Hospital, known affectionately as GDGH, is where you go when you don’t really need to go to a hospital, but you want the experience anyway. The hospital’s philosophy is “Expect the Unexpected,” which explains the annual Easter egg hunt for medical supplies.
Historical Highlight: In 2020, GDGH hosted a “Where’s Waldo” themed event, where all staff dressed as Waldo. Patients spent hours trying to locate their doctors, only to find themselves part of a bizarre world record attempt.
5. The Forget-Me-Not Medical Facility
This hospital is famous for its forgetful staff, who might accidentally send you home with someone else’s x-rays or call you by a new name each time they see you. It’s not uncommon to overhear a doctor asking, “Now, why did I come into this room?”
Historical Highlight: In 2021, the Forget-Me-Not Medical Facility set up a surgery room for a tonsillectomy, only to realize they had prepped for a talent show instead, complete with a karaoke machine and stage lights.
Patient Testimonials (Or Pleas for Help)
Patients at these hospitals have shared their experiences, often with a bewildered chuckle. One patient at St. Misery’s noted, “I asked for the ICU and was directed to the ‘I See You’ mirror maze. It was entertaining, but not what I expected.”
A visitor at Haphazard Heights reminisced, “I came in for a sprained ankle and left as the reigning polka dance champion. I still limp, but my dance moves are top-notch!”
At General Disarray General, a patient recalled, “I was there for an appendectomy. I woke up in the middle of a magic show. The magician was pulling scarves out of my belly button. It was impressive, but quite confusing.”
A staff member from Dr. Quackenbush’s clinic shared, “We once had a patient with hiccups. Dr. Quackenbush prescribed a marathon of funny cat videos. The hiccups didn’t stop, but the patient didn’t seem to mind anymore.”
And finally, at the Forget-Me-Not Facility, a patient lamented, “They wheeled me to the wrong operation room. I went in to have my tonsils removed and almost ended up in a yoga class for joint flexibility. I’m still not sure if I’m disappointed or relieved.”
Remember, the next time you’re in Omaha, if you stumble upon a hospital that seems to be operating out of a sitcom, you might just be at one of these institutions.
