5 Worst ping pong centers in Detroit

5 Worst Ping Pong Centers in Detroit

We’re back again with another consumer report for beautiful Detroit Rock City and the surrounding areas. And this consumer report is going to warn you about the five worst ping pong centers in town.

Museum Ping Pong Center

The first one on our list is Museum Ping Pong. Museum Ping Pong is out on the outer belt, out by the magic shop.

Ping pong is one of my favorite sports. And I’m honestly, I’m not that good. I think I’m good. And then, you know, I get my behind kicked by people that are really good.

But I like competition and I wanted to go to Museum Ping Pong just to see what I could do against some of their bigger, better players.

What they do is they set up some of their museum displays of, for example, knights in armor or grizzly bears from their Natural History wing. They have all kinds of characters from the past: a World War One soldier with all his gear on, etc. These are life size characters that you play against – and they don’t just stand there like a statue. The robotics and AI engineered into these folks is amazing.

I got taken out by a Scottish rebel much like you might have seen in the movie Braveheart raging against the English hierarchy. And every time that the game started, he would yell out, “Freedom!!!”

He kicked my butt.

Cellophane Ping Pong Center

Now the second worst table tennis center in the Detroit area is Cellophane. Cellophane is one of the bigger places in the Detroit area. They welcome strays like me — you can just walk in off the street and they’ll set you up with a game.

Just watch out for hustlers.

The main problem is the net is made of cellophane tape. I talked to one of the players. He said, “The idea is that it’ll stick, I mean there’s no chance that it will tick the top and go over. It’s just going to stick like a bug to a pest strip, right? It forces you to be more accurate.”

And sure enough, there were a couple of hot points where we were going back and forth and for some reason I just didn’t catch the ball flush. It ticked the top of this cellophane net and stuck like a bird landing in molasses. I lost the match.

If you’ve ever played ping pong and hit the net where it ticks the top of the net, you know normally it’ll go over the other side, it’ll just jump in the air and go over. But in this case it just sticks. I didn’t think that was fair because those guys are used to it and as a newbie I was at a disadvantage. 

Isolationist Ping Pong Center

Number three in my list of the five worst ping pong or table tennis centers in Detroit, however you want to say it, is Isolationist Ping Pong. They are located on the freeway out toward Ann Arbor. It’s about halfway to Ann Arbor, just off the exit. Turn right at the home improvement center. Turn left at the daycare center. It is located right next to the nursing home.

They tend to pull a rural crowd, and they actually will give you a discount if you can show you’re from the area or if you can show you look like you’re from the area, meaning if your Jeep has Trump flags.

Or just prove you are a true working man. Not a fake working man. If you truly put pipes in the ground, or if you work in concrete (they know how hard it is to get the mix right — it’s not as easy as people think), they’ll give you a discount.

I went in and the attendant said, “Well, are you a working man? Are you a blue-collar guy? We try to keep it to a certain clientele. We don’t want any high-falutin’ types coming in here and ruining the vibe.”

I said, “Well, I’m not high-falutin’. First, I’m part Canadian. We really didn’t have that much money. I ate oatmeal until I was 37 every day, three times a day. I de-tasseled corn in high school to buy a set of drums.”

“OK, keep going,” he said.

“Then I went to school and I studied,” I continued. “I made mediocre grades, but I did wear some tassel loafers with no socks.”

He said, “What?”

I said, “Yeah, in college I would wear loafers. Without socks.”

He said, “Loafers without socks???? Get out! Get out!”

So be careful what you tell them because they kicked me out.

Overgrown Ping Pong Center

Now the fourth worst ping pong center in Detroit is Overgrown Ping Pong. They have a large property with some beautiful landscaping. Like a corporate park. There is a long drive that runs up to their classic suburban business office building.

The problem is they never mow the lawn. The grass is 17 feet tall. I couldn’t even find the front door of the place. I said to the guy at the desk, “Hi! I want to play some ping pong, but what’s the deal with the long grass and the vegetation?

He said, “That’s part of our vibe, man. That’s part of our marketing. Overgrown. Get it? We let things go around here — we don’t put limits on your ping pong skills. We don’t put limits on the amount you can play. You want to play 6-7 days in a row? We don’t care. You can play 24 hours a day out here. Let your talent fly, brother. That’s the whole idea. It’s limitless. We’re trying to get you to push your ping pong skills by having an environment that has no limits! You understand?”

I said, “Yeah, I guess I understand, but uh, I think I got Lyme disease from the bugs jumping out at me from your 17-foot tall grass.”

It just didn’t work for me and I had to skedaddle.

Steep Ping Pong Centers

Now the fifth and final of our worst ping pong centers in town — the worst table tennis centers in Detroit and the Detroit area is going to be Steep Ping Pong located just north of town outside the outer belt as you head up along the lake right by the home improvement store, just down a bit from the muffler shop.

Steep ping pong is interesting because they are taking a new look at the game. Here’s the gimmick: the table-top tilts back and forth during the game. Sometimes you’re hitting downhill and sometimes you’re hitting uphill. It starts out with little changes and gets steeper as the game goes on, right? The problem is I’m not that tall. And eventually they had the table where I could barely reach over the top and hit it back.

I was like the newbie on the bucking Bronco at a country bar. They start out slow — suddenly that Bronco is spinning like the Ferris wheel at the local summer carnival and the patron goes flying into the bar, crashing into 1520 bottles of high-end whiskey. Hello, sky high medical bills.

I was nervous, but it was kind of fun at first. Then the psycho at the controls starting tilting like mad. The main difficulty I had is I’m not that tall. When they tilted the table downhill away from me, I could barely reach over the top to hit it back. Or if it was tilted toward me, I had to scoop it up for my ankles just to try to get it back, guys.

It’s a good way to have a crazy night with your friends. If you just want to go out there and have a couple cocktails and laugh it up, maybe that’ll be good for you.

Those are my five worst ping pong centers in Detroit.