Courtesy Library of Congress via Flickr Commons

7 Ways to Pay For College in Ohio

August 1, 2019 Joe Ditzel

College is more expensive than ever in Ohio. Here are seven ways to pay for it.

1. Be the ride announcer for a roller coaster at King’s Island. Run the coaster 24 hours a day to rack up the dollars. The downside is your voice will wear out constantly saying, “Welcome to the Scream and Cry Ride. Please make sure we know who to contact in case you start sobbing uncontrollably before, during and after the ride.” Try putting the speech on your phone and playing it into the microphone.

2.Sneak in to Boston Mills Ski Resort and build your own mind-blowing ski run complete with monsters and dangerous snakes. Charge $45 per person to use it. Entice skiers and snowboarders to sample the run by offering free snacks and a chance to win one of three Bitcoin giveaways every day.

3. Secure an internship at Blink, the award-winning light show in Cincinnati. Hack the computer to focus all the light shows into one powerful megabeam and point it into space. Make contact with alien life forms and charge the US government a “service fee” for each communication they have with each other.

4. Set up a sidewalk gambling parlor along Court Street in Athens. Target customer: drunk college students coming back from Uptown bars. First year revenue: $5 million. Build up repeat clientele by offering free tuition as the main prize on the daily Big Wheel spin.

5. Offer premium piggyback rides to workers and residents of downtown Toledo. With rates higher than e-scooters and city bikes, build value by sharing interesting points of Toledo history and development. You should be able to give 40-50 piggyback rides per day at $15 per person. Score.

6. Build a zip line from Terminal Tower in Cleveland to the western Akron suburbs like Bath and Norton. Charge $100 to well-healed commuters to zip home in record time. Build business during slow cold-weather months by providing special low-nuke powered warming suits.

7.Set up lemonade stands on I-71 travel lanes outside Columbus on the way to Cleveland. Create large signs that say “SLOW – LEMONADE AHEAD!” People will wonder what it means. By the time they roll up to your stands in the middle of the road they are more than ready to shell out $15 for a glass of cool lemonade. Profit!