Be careful getting naked after a sauna

A recent study shows regular saunas reduce heart attacks by more than fifty percent. I spoke on the phone with the study’s author, Professor Contsanza Cardyo of the Italian University of South Milan.

“Professor, I understand regular saunas reduce heart attacks. But what about afterwards when you jump naked into the snow. Doesn’t that affect your heart health?” I asked.

Professor Cardyo said, “Ah, the age-old question. Many believe that jumping into the snow naked after a sauna can cause a sudden shock to the system, which could potentially harm the heart. However, our study actually found that this practice may have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health. But that is not the danger. There is another risk.”

I raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Really?”

“It’s the embarrassment factor. Our research shows people are so relaxed from the sauna, they forget the live in a crowded suburb with cars driving by. They jump out naked and suddenly realize their neighbors are all watching from their windows. Many times they die of embarrassment brought on by cardiac failure.”

“So you are saying they are so embarrassed that their system locks up their heart and they die?” I asked.

“Well, it’s also the cold. They are so embarrassed they plunge into the nearest snow drift to try to hide. The double shock to the system is too much. It’s a real tragic situation,” she said.

I was taken aback by the unexpected turn of events. It seemed that the benefits of regular saunas might come with a deadly consequence – death by embarrassment.

I said, “Professor, I’m starting to imagine a story where a character becomes obsessed with the idea of reducing the risk of a heart attack and begins to take regular saunas. But as they become more and more relaxed, they start to lose their inhibitions and end up jumping naked into the snow. One day, they suffer the ultimate embarrassment when they realize that they have been caught on camera by a neighbor’s security system. Now they are on Ring camera videos on YouTube spread throughout the world.”

“It’s not a story,” the professor said. “There is in fact a Youtube channel called ‘Naked Sauna Horrors.’ It’s kind of scary. There was one guy on a video who jumped out of the sauna onto a motorcycle. He was trying to get video views by riding a motorcycle naked down the street in Oslo in the winter. But he froze on the bike standing up so they just left him there as a reminder to be careful in the winter coming out of a sauna.”

I was stunned. It seemed that the dangers of regular saunas were more far-reaching than I had ever imagined.

As I was about to ask another question, I looked out my window to see the door to my neighbor’s sauna suddenly open and he stumbled out, naked and disoriented. He looked around frantically, as if searching for something.

“Are you okay?” I yelled.

He shook his head, his eyes wide with fear. “I… I think I left my heart in there,” he said, pointing back to the sauna.

“Are you saying that you left your heart in the sauna?” I asked the man.

He nodded shakily. “Yes. I felt so relaxed in there, I think I must have left it behind. Please, you have to help me!”

Without another word, I jumped into action. I didn’t know if he meant he literally left his heart in there or he was having hallucinations. But I knew at least he wasn’t thinking about the fact that I never returned his lawnmower or snowblower.

I rushed over. “What do you mean, you left your heart in there?” I said as I came outside.

“My heart! It’s in there!”

I ran to the sauna and looked inside. His heart was sitting on one of the benches, reading a newspaper.

“Don’t worry,” the heart said. “He’s fine. But no way am I going out there in that cold. I hate it when a cold rain comes around in 60 degree weather.”

I came back out. “You’re fine. You just need to rest,” I told my neighbor.

He said, “No! I need my heart!” and he ran down the street chasing after a city bus.